The Holidays....Pure Magic

Wow, I have been going through serious withdrawl! I miss my blogging and have so much to write about. I feel like i need to get the memories down, so i can document the history, the moments of absolute bliss that I have had the good fortune of encountering every single day over the last few weeks.

So much progress, so many wonderful things. I guess I will give you the highlights. To put it quite simply,... I most definately, without a doubt, whole heartedly still believe in Santa Clause. I didn't want too much for Christmas this year, but boy did the jolly man sure deliver.

I attended Spencer's Christmas concert a week or so before the holidays. I was VERY stressed out about this. I suspected that this was going to be a tough for him as he entered the gymnasium and saw about 200 adults staring at him. I had no way of explaining this whole scenario to him, no way to let him know what to expect. He just couldn't grasp it. Like I said before, my little guy learns through living it. So...having been up all night worrying about this, I made my way over to the concert early, with the plan to sit front and center in case he did his fetal position, crying, lip quivering, not knowing where to turn routine. So the big moment arrives, he walks into the gym with his precious gingerbread man hat atop that sweet little head. Spence, stops dead and I can literally see his mouth form into the shape of an "O". I start waving frantically, smiling, and muttering under my breath the following words..."C'mon buddy, you can do this". He spots me, and after about a two second eternity, he followed his friends in the line to the front of the gym. I just kept smiling, and waving, hoping he would be able to pull this off. I just knew if he could do this, it would just strengthen his will to take on more challenges that are out of his realm of familiarity. A year ago........the truth is....he could NEVER have done this. It would have put him over the edge to have to face that many people. But once again, my little boy did what was once the impossible.

He stood at the front of that gym, sang loud, proud and for all to hear. I could see him really watching his teacher for cues, and concentrating really hard to keep up with the language. He smiled often and waved at me after each song. He even added a thumbs up and a bow, which was not choreographed i might add!! He stood through about 6 songs, and the entire time, all i can do is look at all the other parents. I know they are there to see their children. I get that. But, I kept thinking, "Are you all seeing this?" "Stop looking at your kid, and realize how fortunate you are to be witness to this". I know i am a little nuts, and I am certain the rest of the school thinks so too. I not only had a tear, I had ugly cry. The kind where your face scrunches up, your chest heaves and you sound like you have some kind of respiratory/sinus infection. I didn't care....not one bit.

It then occurred to me, that they aren't looking at my boy for a reason. He doesn't stand out as different. In that moment, he was just like everyone else. They were all adorable, and he wasn't sticking out as a child who had any challenges, or struggles of any kind. He was proud...so very pleased with himself. I swear, I will remember that day for the rest of my life. Corny, yeah i know. Its one of those days that reminds me that anything is possible....

CHRISTMAS

It was amazing. My kids...they astonish me every single day. They were so much fun, so appreciative of everything they got. My daughter was thrilled with all her webkinz, Hannah Montanna and High School Musical stuff. She and Spencer left out nine carrots, cookies and milk. She even left Santa a note, buttering him up a little....just in case he saw any of the less than pleasant things she had done during the year. That girl knows how to think on her feet....gotta give her credit. I was also really proud of her for saving her money up to buy such wonderful gifts for her family. She put alot of time, thought and effort into picking out her gifts. She is getting so grown up...

Spencer was completely wrapped up in Christmas this year. Probably the first year, that he really understood, and grasped all of the excitement. The first few Christmas' of his life were sad for me. Spencer didn't like toys, and really didn't have an interest. Not this year! He had asked for Diego's rescue center. The first time he has ever asked for a toy i might add. When he opened that, he screamed, and was about as excited as any child can be. That...well...that was the biggest and best Christmas present anyone could have ever given me. Funny how our priorities change, I am still amazed by how much i have changed through this process. Seeing my kids happy, really was all I needed for Christmas.

SO, to Santa......thanks big guy. You're the best!

The Phone Book

Funny thing happened yesterday. I came home from work to be greeted by my little man at the door. He was so excited, smile from ear to ear. To be perfectly honest, he was jumping out of his skin. Wow, he really did miss me.....look how happy he is to see me. Right? WRONG!! Spencer was on cloud nine, losing his sweet little mind because the best thing happened to make it the perfect day. The new phone book arrived!!

Spencer told me how the big book came. "Mama, we got the new big book". I don't think he could have showed more teeth if he tried. I said, "I can see that we got the new phone book and you are very excited". Spencer proceeds to say "yes and it is so very yellow Mama". Just when i thought he couldn't smile anymore, he proved me wrong once again.

That phone book. Any phone book for that matter. It doesn't matter if it is a thin phone book, a thick phone book and one from another city. Every time i look at one of these everyday household objects, i am forever reminded of where this road began. It was the one thing that made me step out of denial, take a look at myself and really truly examine my son's difficulties.. Watching my little boy for hours with his very favourite thing, flipping page by page for hours. I remember those moments like they were yesterday. The distance, the quiet. Watching him while all the while wondering how i was ever going to figure out what was wrong and more importantly, where was i going to even start to begin to address these issues. I didn't like the phone book very much back in those days.

Yesterday, I can honestly say, I realized that I no longer hold ill will towards the phone book. It reminded me of how far we have come. Every year those books look less and less tattered and torn. It reminds me that it no longer symbolizes the silence. Seeing him with that brand new shiny book with the crisp pages, reminds me of how many other phone books he wore out on the road to where he is now. I have all the phone books that Spencer has ever used, strewn about my house. I will probably have them for many years to come. Every year though, we need them less and less. Now, he spends time looking at real books. Looking at the pictures, and listening without flipping pages. Big progress. I know in a few weeks the novelty of the newness will wear off and Spencer will be able to let it go. It makes me look forward to the December's to come. It makes me curious to know if the day will ever come, when Spencer will just use this book to find a phone number, or call for take out.

That night, Spencer settled off to bed with a kiss, and a hug, and his phone book tucked firmly into bed beside him. He is so precious, i swear he is a dream some days.


I told my Mom about this yesterday and we joked that I think Spencer will always have a
fondness for phone books.The day may come where he is settled down, has a job, is in a relationship or has his own place. I can just see him in bed curled up with his phone book at 40 years of age. We laughed about this. It makes me smile to think about my boy as a man one day. Regardless of where his journey takes him, I know one thing is for certain. He will surely know how to find the number for a cab company if he ever gets lost and just needs to find his way home.

A Big Girl's Christmas Wish List

Dear Santa,

I know it is probably not often that you receive mail from the "bigger" kids in the world and although i have not written to you in a very very long time, i wanted to make a few requests of my own this year. I have tried to be a very grown up girl this year, and face my struggles head on. I have worked to be a decent mom to my kids, a hard worker and a good friend. I have tried to teach my kids to be kind and believe in themselves and all of their potential. I want them to know that they can be successful in life if they are honest and kind. For these reasons, I would like to ask you for the following gifts.

* I would like my family to be happy and healthy and for my children to always feel secure and loved.

* I would like you to bring extra special gifts to those people that have supported me over the last year. Without them, I don't know where I would be.

* I would like you to give me the courage and strength to face going back into the full time work force and make the transition easy on my two babies.

* I would love it if you could add more hours in the day.....maybe just 3 or 4??

* I hope that my daughter will continue to grow and thrive, and always feel that she can come to me with any problem that she has. Let her understand how much she means to me even when we may not always get along. Let her know that she is the light of my life, and brings me happiness in ways that are beyond description.

* I wish for her the strength she needs to deal with life as a 9 year old. Please continue to give her the gift of laughter and loads of silly fun.

* For my son........Words. Lots and lots more words, and the ability to continue to make progress around figuring them all out. Please let him understand how proud I am of him and that he makes my life so utterly wonderful just by being a part of it.

* I also want my little boy to have the gift of perseverance. He has been so blessed thus far and it is the gift that continues to get him through some tough times.

* Please let me find the strength to fight for an educational assistant for him for next year. Give me the tools i need so that i may learn to handle my worries a little better.

* Please leave me some speech therapy on my doorstep. I wont be greedy....10 sessions @ 135.00 and hour would suffice. That should cover 5 weeks. I would be forever grateful. :)

* Please let my kids continue to have wonderful friends who appreciate them and adore them for the amazing little people that they are.

* Please don't let them feel sad this year when something doesn't go their way.

*Please let Spencer be successful through his occupational therapy and let the Psychological assessment go well when it is finally our turn.

* Please bring Spencer the Diego Rescue Centre......this is the first year that he has truly ever asked for anything. He never used to like toys Santa, but thanks to you and all your magic....he does now.

* For me.........one last thing. Can you bring me some peace of mind? Not sure if the Elves still make that anymore down in the workshop. I would really appreciate it if you could find some and drop it under the tree for me when you stop by Christmas Eve. Comfort and laughter, and happiness would also fit nicely into my stocking. I would be such a good lady, mom and friend if you could find it in your heart to make my wishes come true.

* Lastly, I hope my kids believe in you for many many years to come. I hope they always know that there is a man with a belly like a bowl full of jelly who looks out for them all the year through.


My apologies if my list seems too long or too demanding. I hope you are doing well in the North Pole and that all of the Elves are helping you to get ready for the big night. Looking forward to seeing you soon.

Sincerely,
Jessica W.
(the not so little kid with a big Christmas Wish List)

So very true...

So, lately i am seeking out the blog's of other "special" moms. I am so astounded to find so many similar stories. Despite, the issues being different sometimes, the feelings are the same. In my search, i found this in an article and thought i would share. Very funny, slightly sad and so very very true.


You know you have a child with special needs when...

* You teach your child HOW to pull things out of the cupboard, off the bookcases, and that feeding the dog from the table is fun. YOu are just happy to know that they can DO these things.

* You can name at least 3 genes on chromosome 21. (You really know your toast if you can spell the full names correctly)

* You fired at least 3 pediatricians, specialists or therapists and can teach your family doctor a thing or two.

* Everything is an educational opportunity instead of just having plain old fun.

* The clothes your infant wore last fall still fit her this fall.

* You view toys as “therapy”.

* You cheer instead of scold when they blow bubbles in their juice while sitting at the dinner table (that’s speech therapy), smear ketchup all over their high chair (that’s OT), or throw their toys (that’s PT).

* You also don’t mind if your child goes through the house tooting on a tin whistle. Strengthens the mouth muscles don't ya know!

* You compare Doctors instead of grocery stores.

* You have been told you are in “denial” by at least 3 medical or therapy professionals. This makes you laugh!

* You have the incredible sinking feeling that you’ve forgotten SOMETHING on those few days that you don’t have some sort of appointment somewhere!

* You get irritated when friends with healthy kids complain about ONE sleepless night when they’re child is ill.

* Your vocabulary consists of all the letters OT, PT, SP, ADS, VDS, IFSP, etc.

* You keep your appointment with the specialist even though a tropical storm is raging because you just want to get this one over with…you waited 8 months to get it…and besides, no one else will be there!* Fighting and wrestling with siblings is considered PT.

* Speech therapy occurs in the tub with a sibling.*

* When potty training is complete, you take out a full-page public notice in the Washington Post.

* The Doctors/Specialists/Therapists/Hospitals etc. all know you by your name without referring to your chart.* You keep a daily growth chartand document any changes.

* You phone all your friends when your child sits up for the first time, or says their first words at age two.

* With a big smile on your face you tell a stranger that your four year old child just started walking last week.

* His medical file is several inches thick and growing.

* You never take a new day for granted.

* You have a new belief…that angels live with us on earth.

Loved this.......made me happy.

No Fanks Said the Defiant One...

Its been a few days since i have been able to blog, and its amazing how much I miss it when i can't put thoughts to paper so to speak. Life has just been so incredibly busy that I barely have time to get through the basics. This morning though, I am making the time.

Defiant. My boy can be defiant. He started with the occupational therapist last week at school. The one I fought so hard to get approval for. The therapist went to meet with Spencer early last week. Lets just say it didn't go so well. I received a call in the afternoon from the therapist, who advised me that the initial meeting wasn't quite the success she had hoped for. Was i surprised by this? Ummmmmmmm....NO. First off, i wasn't aware that she was going to be meeting with him that day. With the "average" child this would not have been a big deal. With my kiddo though, it would have been more productive had I known. It requires an astonishing amount of prep work on my part when Spencer has to face a new professional. He requires reminder after reminder about what to expect and prompting around what is expected of him. Secondly, my little man has never had to have his first encounter with a professional without his Mama there to smooth things over and help him find his comfort zone. When you throw these two road blocks in front of him.............its a car crash waiting to happen.

With that said, Spencer was met by the therapist who pretty much did every trick in the book to try and entice my boy to engage with her. She could have done the lambada while juggling oranges and still he would not have been hooked. Apparently, Spencer just refused to follow through and wouldn't accept any direction she was giving. The great thing about my kid, is his ability to be endearing even while he is basically telling you to hit the high road. He is one of the most polite children, even while being difficult. According to the therapist, this is just what Spencer presented. He continually said things like, "No fank you", "No fanks wady", and when pushed, he replied with " I say NO FANK YOU". I chuckle when i think about this as Spencer tells me "No fanks" at least 12 times a day.

I guess when they returned to the class, the group went to go take bathroom break and Spencer realized that she was not leaving. He proceeded to lock himself in a bathroom stall and hide out. Resourceful guy....thats my boy. I know that he is beginning to realize he is "different" than the other kids. Different in the sense that he is taken out of class for extra work and testing in the special education room. I think Spencer has realized that he doesn't want to be different. He wants to be like everyone else. He doesn't want to be the boy who has to go spend extra hours working on his pencil grip and strengthening his hands. He doesn't want to go work on sound recognition and number work when the other kids get to play at the Drama centre and Playdough. This makes me sad. So very very sad. He was even able to articulate this to me when i asked him about the lady that came to visit. He said, "I no wanna go Mama, udder kids no have to go". How is this not supposed to break my heart? I need to accept that this will be Spencer's reality for many years to come. I need to find a way of helping him accept that this is who he is, and find methods of building rewards of play into his life for all the hard work he is required to do on a daily basis. Maybe it will make the effort he puts forth, less tiring for him.

Its not all bad news though. His therapist is a seemingly lovely lady. She possesses a great sense of humour and was not put off for being kicked to the curb. She wanted to problem solve how best to make Spencer feel comfortable. We discussed wording of expectations, I suggested that perhaps offering the "first" and "then" options. (eg first a task he must complete, followed by a reward activity). I told her I would attend the sessions for the next few weeks or until Spencer is getting through the sessions without issues. I told her i would speak with the teacher about setting up a reward activity for when he returns to the class. Spencer is a kid who needs to know that there will be a pay off. He needs something to look forward to and it doesn't need to be something tangible or huge. It could be 5 minutes with his favourite book, or 10 minutes playing with a friend. It seriously does not take much to make my little boy happy. He will jump through hoops for the smallest of gifts.

So needless to say, at home, we are prepping. Talking about the play lady, getting ready for the next session. At first, I was being hit by the "No Fank You's", left right and centre. Now though, he is weakening. I told him i would attend, and this morning he said "Ok Mama, I maybe try". So by next week, hopefully we will be good to go. Cross your fingers for us, and just hope that my little boy doesn't mutter those words......."No Fanks Wady".

Just give me the drill and noone will get hurt...

So...remember my last post where i had admitted that sometimes i feel like i need to do everything myself if i want it done right? It was one of those days. Last week little man Spence went to the dentist for a cleaning. We prepped, talked, and of course the foolish Mama acted it out for the little boy. I'm telling you, I really am getting closer to Oscar caliber with regard to my acting skills. The more i practice, the more i refine my craft. I act a lot of things out to demonstrate how routine things happen and it gives my boy another means of understanding what to expect. So before the appointment, i lay on the couch, put my sun glasses on like they do at our dentist (evidently this is good for keeping your own spit from blinding you). I have my giant yap hanging open and use the electric toothbrush to show Spencer what to expect. I make some fierce grinding and buzzing sounds all the while trying to keep the gaping mouth wide open. I believe i may have even drooled on myself. But hey, if it gets me through the appointment...then whats a little spit down the front of my shirt? Not attractive, but yet another gesture all in the name of love. Anyway, Spencer watched intently, and ends up in hysterics on the floor, probably because his Mama looks like such a dingbat with her pink sunglasses and spittle coming out of her mouth.


The appointment came and Spencer was a trooper. He sat up in the chair, and followed all directions. Then the dreaded happened......a cavity. Arrrrghhh. All i can think of is how i am going to act this out? I certainly know that it is not an option for me to act out stabbing myself in the gum with a giant toothpick, and goodness knows i can't bring in the drill from the garage to demonstrate what awaits him in the near future. The swollen tongue and funny talking that comes after a cavity? How shall i get into character for this? Perhaps just jamming 47 cotton balls in my mouth would suffice as i put on my theatrical version of "Seriously the Dentist is a Nice Man". Good times? I think not.

On that note we rebook the appointment for a couple of days later. To be honest, i just said we were going back to the dentist as i was too much of a coward to tell him anything more. Yeah I clucked like a chicken all the way to the dentist office. So we arrive, and Spencer sits in the chair and proceeds to shut down, close up shop and pretty much exit the building. At least in his mind anyway. No talking, no eye contact, and you would have needed the jaws of life to get that mouth open. So I explain to the dentist about his receptive/expressive language delays. He says "What does that mean?" I tell him, but am thinking the whole time "Are you charging me by the minute while i explain this?...and secondly i thought "You make the big bucks, attended some form of medical school, you should know this stuff Jack A$$". Instead i just smiled, and asked if we could book one more appointment to try again. He was very kind to agree, stating that the alternative would be a specialized dentist who will "get the job done". Immediately i thought of Tony Soprano holding a spit sucker and a little mirror. God I kill myself...:)

Today was the day. I got up, and prepped about every 10 mintutes. Reminder after reminder. I did my Days of Our Lives version on the couch again. Spencer was still refusing, but with time and the knowledge that his mother is even more stubborn than him, Spencer finally said "Ok Mama, I go". Mind you i had promised him a trip to the park afterwards which i think was the thing that sealed the deal. So off we went. Spencer climbed up in the chair, did not miss a beat. Made eye contact, was sweet and even tried to talk with the spit sucker in his mouth. The dentist filled that cavity, and Spencer the Mighty endured this without freezing. He's so cool, and very very tough. Another proud moment and a huge sense of relief. I wasn't really sure what I was going to have to do if i had to act out the dentist scene on my couch again.

Bottom line, we survived and endured and all for the bargain price of $175.00. Seeing my son proud of himself for being brave was worth every penny.

Having Faith.....

So, i know this post is going to sound a little egotistical and self centred. As i learn to let my little guy grow up and take steps into the world of independence, i am having to put my trust in those people that work with him. I'll be honest and tell you that this can be a stretch for me. A huge gigantic leap of faith. I have a tendency to sometimes believe that noone could possibly understand Spencer the way i do, and therefore would never be able to help him in ways that are useful and productive. As i write that, i am even a little stunned by the audacity in those words. But regardless, its honest and from the heart.

I have put in my time with kids, gone through the ups and downs. I have made some great parenting decisions and some that i am not so proud of. Through all the choices, I have developed some gut instincts around my kids. I have learned how to handle things when Spencer gets "stuck". I can tell when he just needs time to himself or just a great big hug. I have worked to recognize when my daughter is stressed out and needs some time with her Mom. Sometimes though, this results in my thinking that i should handle everything myself. The whole "if you want it done right, do it yourself" theory.

When you work to protect and guide a little person who completely relies on you, you sometimes end up believing that you have one up on the rest of the universe. While this is true, I am also able to finally acknowledge that people can be committed to your child. They may be of no relation, do not share the same DNA but can still possess natural instincts and can follow through in ways that are caring and supportive. This is a trust that develops over time. I tend to give people their shot with my kids, but heavan forbid if they screw it up. You don't get multiple chances when it comes to my babies. Those that have the "gift" though, thankfully don't need multiple chances. I can learn to trust people to offer support and help me on the road to guiding my son. They have good sound ideas, sometimes some strategies that perhaps i haven't even thought of. I used to struggle with that and would blame myself for not thinking of it first. Selfish and yes even a little narcisisstic, yeah I have been both. I don't really view it like this anymore now. I just feel such comfort in knowing that there are people that care about my son and can come up with creative means to address his issues. They can guide us both, and the pressure doesn't need to weigh on these shoulders quite so heavily.

I still will always continue to follow up and hold these caring people accountable for the ways in which they treat my son. I will always be protective, that will never ever change as long as I have my two kids. I just need to keep the balance thing in perspective. I need to have faith. Faith that its not all about me. Faith that helpers can come in very different forms. In the forms of family, friends, doctors, speech pathologists, special education teachers, and coaches. So many people, all of whom have faith in my son. They deserve a little trust and recognition for all that they do in the course of my sons life. I need to believe that not everyone will let us down. I need to have the faith, and keep being grateful for all the people who are there for us.

The Parent-Teacher Interview

My very first one. My first parent/teacher interview about my sweet little buddy Spencer. I think i should preface here by saying that i really wasn't ready for it. I know what you are thinking. Probably betting that this was a tough one for me and that I was consumed with stress and anticipating the worst. Rest assured.....this is not what i mean.

When i say i was not ready, I mean i REALLY REALLY was not ready. It was this past Friday, and i not only forgot about the meeting, but I also forgot to take my son to school. Some of the days had gotten switched around, and i missed the note home i guess. (Note to self: My son does now have a voice and I need to listen to it when he speaks). Spencer was crying when we dropped Kennedy off at school and would not let it go. He was adamant that it was his day, and i just chalked it up to his being stubborn and not letting anything go. This is not strange for him as Spencer often cries to go to school on his days off. In retrospect though, i should have listened. He was letting me know in a way that was WAY more vocal than usual. Screaming at the top of his lungs and stating "School Mama School...It my day.!!" This was followed by howling and throwing his back pack. Yeah i guess i didn't take the hint so well. Dense moment.
I am usually very on top of the kids appointments and meetings. Scheduling is my life when it comes to them. Not really sure what happened, but goodness me, I was a disaster that day.

The story goes on....and doesn't get much better. I finally realize that i need to get him to school. We run around making lunches and packing bags and get out the door. Picture it.....and yes feel free to laugh. I still had not had my shower, so my hair looks like yellow flames dancing on the top of my head, i have one black sock on and one white sock on, a blue shirt that has grape juice spilled down the front, and god forbid, i am wearing black dressy boots with lycra work out pants!!!! SO i quickly run him into school, while hiding under the hood of my winter coat. Spencer is thrilled about being right, and feels no shame in reminding me all the way down the hall of his school. "I told you Mama". "Why you no listen Mama". "Why you no take dat big fur hat off Mama?". This suddenly seemed like a very very long walk. Who knew a hall could look so long?? So i get him into class, and the teacher and I chuckle about my mistake. No big deal right? Then she says, "take your coat off Jessica and you can observe for a while and then we will meet and discuss Spencer's progress". What?? Damn...the interview. I forgot! I act like i planned to look like a lunatic housewife who has absolutely no control over her hygiene or with meeting deadlines. But, luckily she knows me as she taught Kennedy in the past. Thank goodness for small miracles. I oblige her, and more importantly, I oblige the boy who is thrilled that his Mama is visiting his class.

Once i get over my disgust in myself for both my appearance and my lack of planning, I get to watch my little boy in action. Soon it didn't matter that i looked like I escaped from the loony bin. I watched a little boy who could sit at circle, share books and had friends who were happy to see him. I saw him show concern for another boy who had tripped and fallen, and i was lucky enough to see him laugh time and time again. The teacher and I spoke about his successes and the areas where we all know he will struggle. The thing i realized in that meeting, is that my boy has worked some of his magic. His teacher loves and cares about him. His charms have won her over, and she wants to help him. When i asked her about how he was doing socially, she surprised me with her response. Her eyes filled with tears, and she said, "It makes me want to cry". I asked her what was wrong and she said "nothing at all..Spencer is very well liked". Apparently, my boy with all his struggles is managing to make new friends. This made her emotional because she knew how badly i wanted that for him. I could see how badly she wants it for him too. To feel some acceptance and know that he is not all alone.


Sooo......this disaster of a Mom, in all her glory, had to add to the sight by bursting into tears. I was so happy to hear those words. Probably some of the best words I have ever heard. I am thankful to her for always trying to find the best ways to help Spencer. I appreciate that she consults me and will make adjustments to make life easier for my boy. When situations arise, she asks all the important questions, and modifies herself to ensure my son is comprehending what is expected. This is the sign of a good teacher. She doesn't have to do these things. She does these things because she sees his potential and wants to help him feel good about school. She is firm, kind and giving. I am so glad Spencer has her in his life. Just another ally to add to the very growing list in his life.

After the meeting, as I walked away smiling and happy, I realized that a few people were looking at me. I had forgotten about my flames of fire hair, crazy clothes, work out pants and big parka. Funny how the happiness of our kids can make all the bad stuff go away, even if just for a minute.

The Spectrum Train

When i try to explain to people why it is that i am pretty certain that Spencer is on the Autism Spectrum, i sometimes struggle to pinpoint all the things that have brought me to this conclusion. While my son has always been able to roll with the punches and does not get upset by changes in his routine, he still struggles with his need for repetition, and most definitely can be a creature of habit sometimes. When Spencer was small, he would sit and do things over and over again, usually tuning out the rest of the world. When he was in this mode, there wasn't much that could shift his attention from his task at hand. From lining up forks and spoons, to waving crayons in front of his eyes, to page flipping, these were the things that brought him comfort and happiness. Spencer did not play with toys in the traditional sense. While most children just naturally evolve through the stages of play, I remember spending hours with Spencer trying to teach him how to use toys. I remember wanting him to learn the logic behind their uses. I longed for him to see that this could be fun and enjoyable. When he was about to start preschool, it took me 3 weeks of practice for him to learn to play tag and hide and seek. Running like a wild woman over and over, making crazy faces and hiding in the strangest of places, just in hopes of giving my son some methods in which he could engage other children.


Spencer still has those days. Today, was one of those days. He often needs this to soothe him especially after a hard day. Lately, he has reverted back to this behavior more so than usual. I think with all the pressure and demands of his life, it allows him to have an outlet. He often engages in these activities, after school, or after his speech therapy sessions. I believe my boy gets tired of holding it all together all the time. He works so hard.....so damn hard every single day of his life. As a result, i allow him to go off on his own and take this time for himself. Whether its flipping books, or counting puzzle pieces, i know he needs that time. The wonderful thing about it now though, is that he is not completely consumed by it. I can pull him away from it, without the crying or melt downs. He now can include us in his activities and does not feel the need to be in a world of solitude and distance. He asks us to participate. He doesn't NEED to be alone all of the time.

Today, Spencer demonstrated just how far he has come. He got on the candy train, and was not coming off until his mission was completed. He worked diligently to create the most amazing line of Halloween candy. This covered the entire bottom floor of our house. Little tiny pieces of candy all lined up in straight little lines. Each sucker and chocolate bar meticulously placed side by side. I might add that he waved each piece in front of his eyes before placing it in its designated spot. Spencer asked me to join in, communicating the whole time. "Wook what I make Mama". "Dis is so mut fun". There was a time, not so long ago, where he would never have tolerated anyone being involved in his stimming. (self stimulating behavior than can soothe or calm...usually repetitive). Today though, he invited me to add some candy, and didn't care if it was out of order. He laughed when i accidentally knocked a few pieces out of order. In the past, he would have sobbed uncontrollably had this happened. I tested him today to see how flexible he was willing to be. I pulled a piece of candy out of the line. His very favourite chocolate bar. I told him to take a break with me and we could have a treat. He wouldn't have it. He took the candy and put it back in line in its rightful place. I pushed it further and took the candy again. He stuck to his guns though and said, "No Mama, first twain, then candy". God love that boy, he was being patient with his defiant Mother.

The thing i have realized over the last few years, is that it doesn't always have to be my way. So my kid likes to line stuff up. Maybe he will just be a very organized fellow when he grows up. As someone who is not all that organized, i can recognize how valuable this quality will be in his future. Maybe he waves things in front of his eyes so that he can appreciate how beautiful something is. Maybe he counts things repetitively in order to challenge himself to reach higher. I guess i know now, i can't expect him to conform to the rest of the world, when i can't occasionally visit and appreciate all the great things he has in his world. It can be a fun place. A place where a little boy takes such simple pleasure in things that most people would never think to enjoy. My boy is an awesome individual. He shines brighter and brighter every single day. Today, i fell in love with making a train out of Halloween candy. I fell in love with this game because i didn't have to watch from the sidelines. I was lucky enough to play with my little boy and as per his instructions, we finished that train.....and then we shared a KitKat. :)

Thank you Nicholas Sparks.

My Dad had given me a book a while back and had suggested i read it. He has the same love for reading as I and we often trade books back and forth. Dad had mentioned that there was a storyline in this book that described a situation very similar to the one that I have gone through with Spencer. It took me a few weeks to get to it, but i started it yesterday and needless to say, I am finished it today. Nicholas Sparks.....such a gifted writer. Typically he writes the amazing love story. Has authored such books as "A walk to remember" and "the Notebook". The one that i fell in love with however, was "The Rescue".


While it did cover the growth and development of a wonderful love between a man and a woman, there was a much bigger plot line that captured my absolute attention. The female character in the book was a single mother of a child with a severe receptive and expressive language disorder. More specifically, her son had an auditory processing disorder. Much of this story detailed her struggles over the years around all the appointments, her own home teachings with him, and leaving her teaching career behind in order to help him. I cried like a baby several times throughout this story. This author articulated this characters feeling with such sincerity and honesty. I was quite baffled, seeing myself in much of this story. Without a doubt, I am certain that Mr. Sparks has had some encounter with a child who has had these struggles. Whether it be his own child or that of a loved one, he had intimate knowledge about the fears and struggles a parent goes through when you have a child who has no understanding of language. He understands that these children don't have the ability to always sort and categorize the words that they learn. He knows that its often like being in France, when the only language you have learned was taught to you as you grew up in Spain. Its all foreign and none of it makes sense. Mr. Sparks describes with clarity, the absolute fear a parent can face when they know they aren't able to teach your child about everyday dangers, strangers and all the other unsafe things that pop up in day to day life. How exasperating it can be to know that your child doesn't understand these words, and ultimately you can't give them the tools they need to keep them safe in the world. He poetically writes about this Mother's love for her child, and the lengths she will go to help him. He gets that a Mother sometimes judges others solely on the way that they treat her child. I cannot even express how much i loved this book. For all of these reasons and more. I love when i encounter a book that makes me think about things long after the last page is over. This was one of those written adventures.

This book made me realize just how little public knowledge there is out there on the topic of speech and language disorders. Thankfully a lot more attention is being drawn the the Autism Spectrum Disorder, but when it comes to the awareness of language, we have a long way to go. Its not something that people understand. These children rely on those that love them, to educate all those that they encounter in order to make people understand. I recall on more than one occasion, people saying such ignorant comments as " He doesn't look like anything is wrong with him", or "I just never would have guessed something was wrong. He looks so normal" Are people really this stupid? How is it that they can have their head so firmly planted in their ass? I wonder what its like to be that completely insensitive and harsh when dealing with an innocent child. Yeah, i sit in judgement. I have earned the right to judge all the jerks of the world that have been less than kind to my boy. I try not to get angry, as I know that its due to a lack of information and not an attempt to be blatantly cruel. Honestly though, it gets old when people don't have the most basic of social skills necessary to be thoughtful before opening those giant and gaping holes in their faces. Think before you speak.....a simple concept. But one that many people are not able to live their life by. So sad....so very sad. As you can tell, I have some baggage related to all the fools I have encountered through this journey.

If Nicholas Sparks does not have a child that has these struggles, I would be very very surprised. I want to thank him for two reasons. For writing such a fabulous story and describing these struggles with such sensitivity as well as from a very educated stand point. As people read this book, and believe that they are going the get the usual amazing love story, they are in fact getting something much more. Without realizing it, they may discover that they have received some tools that will help them to be gentle and caring should they ever encounter one of these "special ones". It truly is a wonderful thing, that you can learn something so great just from flipping the pages of a book. Lastly, I am grateful to Nicholas Sparks for making it just a little bit easier for us Mom's out there. The more people know, the easier it will be for my little boy. For that I am thankful.

The guilt trip.....its a wild ride.

I am officially tired. Mostly after a long week, working crazy hours to accommodate everybody else's schedule. It takes it out of me. I guess this is the classic "woe is me" blog. I don't have too many of them so i am going to indulge myself a little today. Working all these full time hours, over nights, afternoon shifts, as well as 12 hour shifts is manifesting itself by sending me into a walking coma. Needless to say, i am feeling a little spread thin. For most people this is a feat, but with all the speech, phone calls, work at home, sport ball and being a girl guide leader....it can become very trying on the nerves. Kind of like the nails down the chalk board. Grating, annoying and makes you want to run away. As you can see, I am as bitter as 2 day old coffee. But just for today.....i hope.

Guilt.....its a fantastically powerful, and all encompassing emotion. I used to always wonder what i did wrong for Spencer to have been dealt the hand he was. I wondered if it was because i forgot my prenatal vitamin that one day. I questioned if it was because i went on the antibiotics that one time. Wondered if i had just not been a good enough person and my son was being punished as a result. I thought about the time I banged my very pregnant belly into the table. I believed that I must not have talked to him enough when he was a new born. Questioned if the immunizations may have caused the issues or if it was that time when he had an ear infection and i didn't pick up on it quickly enough. Was it something i fed him? Did he consume something dangerous when i wasn't looking. How could I have missed it if i did? The list goes on and on. I really did believe i did something horribly wrong. I have learned though, that most "special" parents question these things. These feelings of responsibility are larger than life. You make it your mission to make up for whatever mistake it was that you made. Miraculously though, I also now know, that i didn't do anything wrong. I now am completely and utterly aware of the fact that i did something very right. I brought my beautiful boy into this world. No mistake was made...none whatsoever.

Guilt....it still surfaces though despite my best efforts to keep it at bay. It pulls at the very nerve centre of my being some days. Being pulled one way or another. Feeling bad for not measuring up or meeting the needs of others is gut wrenching. I constantly wonder if i am making the right decisions. Am i doing the right things? I almost wish i was being evaluated and graded like back in school. Then i would have concrete evidence of what is working and where i need to improve. Someone to offer the praise as well as constructive feedback. But like with raising kids, life doesn't come with an instruction manual. Some days it just feels like i am swimming against the current. While i was always a fantastic swimmer, even the strong get tired of fighting the waves.

It just seems like we finally get into a groove and then something else rears its ugly head, and forces me to get into problem solving mode. I don't want to plan and fix everything some days. Occasionally I want to tell the world to piss off. I know it sounds selfish, and i know my day will come where i can focus on me. All of my hopes and dreams and things i want for MY life. Then the guilt comes knocking and making me feel like a big bag of garden dung for thinking about myself. That damn balancing act.....its a tough one. I'm working on it, and will continue to paddle my way up stream. Hopefully i will continue to build momentum, and just keep getting stronger. In the mean time, i will afford myself the occasional day of gloom, and will enjoy my one woman pity party. Tomorrow though, it will be a new day. One with lots of promise for good things to come. I'm looking forward to it. Optimism.....it really is the very best medicine around.

Coincidence? I just don't think so.

When i step outside myself and look at the history that is my life, i often wonder how i got here. Was this the destiny that i was meant to have? All I can come up with is that i was meant to mother the two amazing kids that i have and I was most certainly supposed to meet my boy Spencer. He was the one that was destined to be mine. I think back to when i was younger and knew that i wanted to work with children. This choice came at a relatively young age, and i stuck by it, never wavering from my goals. I think back to my first placement in high school, and it makes me smile. I had actually forgotten about this experience, until very recently.

I had been assigned to a classroom out of Chedoke Hospital. What kind of class is run out of a hospital you ask? A class for communicationally delayed children. I worked with 15 kids who were just like my Spencer. Coincidental, that my first encounter with speech delays occurred for me at the tender age of 15? I remember not fully understanding it. I recall wondering why it was so hard for these kids to get the words out. I remember learning sign language, and singing along to the "put the toys away" song. I fondly recount the experiences, the professionals who loved these children whole heartedly. Coincidence? I don't think so.

When i graduated out of college, an got my first full time job, i was assigned as the case worker for a deaf girl. A very angry, aggressive and challenging deaf girl. Yet again i was faced with helping another child learn to communicate. These experiences, tested my will, challenged my staying power as i developed my skills in working with the children with no words. I remember sitting with this same girl outside her jail cell, after she had been charged with 4 counts of assault against staff members. (I being one of them). The police were going to take her into custody without an interpreter. Despite everything, i could not allow them to take this angry enraged girl to prison, without having some means of communication. Naturally, the police were stunned that a victim would want to assist a perpetrator, but someone had to help this girl get through the night. So...while she wanted to kill me, and charged at me from inside the cell, i remember sitting there and signing with her to try and reach her. Of course most of her signs were "fuck off rooster". Yeah...it was her pet name for me. I might add, she is one in a long line of teens that have told me to Fuck Off. But regardless, eventually she calmed and we made some headway. So, i ask you....i ask myself....coincidence? I don't think so.

I have met many many more kids, that struggle to communicate over the years. Working in emergency receiving assessment allows you to meet all walks of life. Some kids have been challenged with the special needs that prevent them from finding their speech. Some children are so broken and hurt inside that they just can't bring themselves to take the risk necessary to open up and communicate. They have been raised to believe that they weren't allowed to have an opinion, thought or emotion, and if they did have one, they sure as heck better not voice it. The consequence may have been to great. So we work on opening up, expressing themselves, and finding the words within to let other's know how they feel. Coincidence? I don't think so.

My life path.....its been about communication. Talking, expressing and articulating the words. I know Spence was meant to be mine. I never really realized it until recently. The lessons learned along my road have brought me to the place where i could help my own child. As a result, I have learned so much about my own growth, my own capabilities and gifts i have to offer as a Mother, friend, worker and human being.

I am thankful for my destiny. I am forever grateful for the 15 year old girl who nervously entered that classroom, and fell in love with every one of those kids who couldn't speak. I am glad i followed my heart, and accepted the signs when life experiences were being offered to me. Mostly, i am really glad i didn't become a Garbage Lady. I hear the money and benefits are great. But dang......look at what i would have missed out on.

The Fascination with Bum Cracks.

Yeah, you read it right. Spencer loves those words. Bum cracks this, bum cracks that. Its all he can talk about, and then proceeds to fall to the floor laughing till he has tears. While this is fantastic to watch, I have heard enough about the bum crack to last me a life time. I am not certain where the interest came from, but for god sake, enough already! He wonders about little bum cracks and big bum cracks, why bum cracks are on a person's back and so on and so forth. Remember the whole perseverating post? Well, we are no longer stuck on block buster. Yep, its all about the ass crack these days.

Yesterday, he stepped out his comfort zone and started talking about boobs. I cringe, as he works through his skills for reasoning by asking about big boobs and little boobs. The entire time, all i can think about, is my prayer that he doesn't ask his teacher about her boobs or her bum crack. Yikes, I am nauseous just thinking about it. Wondrous thing is, he has mastered telling everyone that their behavior is inappropriate. I guess when you hear "that's not appropriate to talk about" consistently, you add it to your repertoire of words to save and use for later. We will need to work on this for the next while i am sure. Oh how i long for the days of the pleas for Blockbuster. Instead, i now have to face my little boy who runs naked into my room, proceeds to turn around and say "Wook at me, shakin da bum cwack". This all occurs as he does some crazy dance and waves his arms wildly. Did i mention that i feel nauseous? :)
I guess i should probably focus on the fact, that he is developing a sense of humour. He wants to laugh and make people giggle right along with him. That's a bonus for sure, but man can't we talk about clowns or falling down or even farting? Until we get this under control, I hold my breath. Waiting for him to blurt out those words.

Amazing, the worries I have carried for the last few years. Will my son ever talk? Will he ever carry on a conversation? Will his words ever come together enough that he can develop some friendships? I used to be so sad travelling in the car as there was always complete silence from the back seat. I used to talk for hours to Spencer with very little response. I hoped that if i kept talking, one day he would surprise me and we could talk about all the things he loved in life.
NOW...........I am horrified and ashamed to say that i sometimes wish he would just stifle himself!!! Only when he has boobie and butt crack days. I never ever thought i would think things like "God Spence, enough already, can't you be quiet for 5 minutes?" I get over it real quick though, when i realize that he comes by it naturally. His Mother never shuts up, so why should he?

With that being said, I suppose i should celebrate. So...... here's to all the Bum Cracks and Boobies of the world, and all the other conversations I never thought I would be blessed enough to have with my most special and comedic boy. That alone is something worth celebrating.

Destination Coolsville....

So the funniest thing happened. Well, my daughter doesn't think so, but i on the other hand, am over the moon. She has decided that her younger brother is cramping her style. She came home yesterday and informed me that she doesn't like her little brother attending the same school as her. Based on all my other posts about this relationship, i am sure you are all stunned with disbelief. :) Anyway, when i asked her why she didn't like his presence at her school, she responded by saying "Mom you should see him at school....he acts all cool with his friends." Helllooooooo????? Come again??? My little baby is trying to act cool? The same boy who 2.5 years ago, was only content flipping the pages of a phone book and was often in a world of his own. From lining up blocks to waving things in front of his face over and over, suddenly she tells me that he is acting "cool"? How can this be?

She goes on to tell me that she sees him around the school and has the giggles and acts silly, then he and his 2 buddies make faces at her and run away. Can i just mention here, that internally, i was about to double over in hysterics? Of course i do my best empathy routine and give her a hug, but come on folks...this is a Mom's dream. I ask her if he is doing this on his own, or if its something that seems strange? She said "they all seem strange MOM.......Spencer fits right in"!!!!!!!!!! Out of the mouths of babes. He's making connections.

Now i might add here, that the one boy he is friends with seems to have quite a case of ADHD, so he never stops chatting. He's wired for speed and allows Spencer along for the ride. The amazingly beautiful thing about it, is that they compliment each other. Spencer calms this boy and this boy encourages Spencer to open up. He is the perfect match for Spencer. The teacher says they just seem to "fit". I love this boy, because he loves my son. He gets so excited when he sees my Spencer, talking a mile a minute and barely coming up for air. How can i not adore a child who sees all the great things i see in my son? They are two peas in a pod. So together, they are ruling the school? I am currently giggling as i picture it. Ok maybe not ruling the school, but enough of a pain that they have my daughter wincing. She's the one who is usually the most popular, highest achieving and is VERY well known by teachers and students alike. This is a good thing....a very good thing.

I never thought i would ever hear anyone say that my son was acting cool. A few years ago, i would have been thrilled if he could just say the word "cool". He can be silly. He can get into mischief. He wants to belong. Wow......he has always been the coolest boy i know. Now the rest of the world is beginning to see it too. Lucky them. :)

Slow and steady wins the race.

Lately, i have needed some light in the tunnel , that little pick me up that gives me a kick in the hind quarters to keep me looking forward. I need the odd battle to go my way, to remind me that i am on track and not to give up on the human race. I swear sometimes i walk among the idiots. Today, that certain sunshine came in the form of approved occupational therapy for my boy at school. Something we applied for, like everything else though, it is a "process". Did i mention that i now hate that word?

The application went in to an outside agency to come in and provide fine motor skill therapy to Spencer once a week while at school. So again we waited and waited. Today, while at speech with Spence, the office called to do the "phone interview". One thing i have now developed through all of trials and tribulations, is my ability to sell. Hell, i could unload igloos in Tahiti...and make a ton of money doing it. I have become that good. After many many applications to this service, or that program, you learn the ins and outs of the "process". You prepare yourself by learning how to word things on questionnaires, and you mentally run through and practice for the phone interviews. When you realize that your words can ultimately impact whether or not your child receives service, you really learn to work up the most fantastic sales pitch. You learn to use your child's issues and good points to your advantage, much like you would if you were selling a car. Sad i know, but completely true. When your child is turned down or deemed too young or not "appropriate" for a program, its a really hard pill to swallow. You wonder what you said or did wrong for them to be rejected. You review every answer, wonder what made your baby's issues less important than someone else's child. You get angry, you want to scream and yell at all the idiots. Not very productive though, and professionals tend to take you more seriously if you have your wits about you. SO for me, i focus on my own speech. Creating powerful words that entice people to want to help us. Researching, offering facts that will make it very difficult for people to look me in the eye and justify why they won't give my kid a break. Then to go in for the jugular...i hit the emotional button. I make them see my boy as a sweet kid that they are letting down. Manipulative? Absolutely....but you do what you have to so you aren't always the the one coming in last at the finish line. Everyday, I am learning. Today, was evidence that i am making progress.

SO during the phone interview, within the first few seconds, I knew i was on the line. The woman was wavering, i could tell. I heard the usual "Well we don't usually offer this service until around 7". Sooooo...i tell myself--- "Jessica...deep breath in and here we go". I tell her every detail about his progress, behavioral overview, his involvement in services. I make it clear that i am a parent who works well with professionals and will do any follow up work that they recommend. Another thing I have learned, professionals want to know that parents are on board and will support any programming that they create. This was not lip service, as i do any "homework" that we are given. Anyhow, I go on to point out what a sweet boy he is, and that he is not overly oppositional. This is where i need people to see him as a person, and not a case file that is strewn all over their desk. Then i start with my argument around school. I told her that Spencer already has the bricks stacked against him with his speech issues, social skills issues, and having that coupled with fine motor issues, I asked her how he was supposed to view school as a positive place? Long and short of it, I won. He got service. I feel really great that this came through for my Spencer. He deserves this. God, i deserve this.

I just want life to be easier for him. I don't want him him to have to work so hard for the rest of his life. I don't want to delay his growth, and limit his chance for success, just because his hands don't work in line with his brain. Good things are coming, i can feel it. This small victory makes me feel like i can handle the next few curve balls that come zinging by my head.

You know, i used to be alot like the hare in that childhood story. Impatient, taking off, full force, with little thought to my plan of action. Now, i am at least able to PRETEND to be the tortoise. Thank goodness, i can slow down and think things through. Its made this journey much much easier. Slow and steady....it really does win the race.

Social Skills Group....not just for kids anymore.

Today, as per usual, Spencer and I headed off to speech at the clinic. He is currently attending 2x a week with one appointment geared towards social skills development, and the other being his private 1:1 session with Vanessa. Everyone there pretty much knows us by name and Spencer acts like he owns the place. As someone who has a tendency to put professionals through the wringer when it comes to them meeting the needs of my son, I have been so very impressed with their work with Spencer. As you may have learned, I don't generally leave any stone unturned when it comes to helping my boy. I ask questions, challenge and often direct people as to the best method in dealing with him. After all, who knows him better than me? There is a comfort level there for me and they treat my son with kindness and respect. We have been really fortunate with the services we have received from these people, and they have worked very hard to accommodate Spencer and all his needs. We have established fantastic communication with these professionals and I have come to value their opinion due to their invested commitment to Spencer's progress.

Spencer attends his social skills group on Monday mornings with one other boy who we met in the summer at the clinic. The purpose of this group is to work on interacting in social situations with peers. Creating communication through play, and developing problem solving skills in order to make him better equipped at strengthening his relationships with other children. I normally have always attended all speech sessions with Spence. I attend, in order to see how the speech path teaches him so that i may carry over this work at home. We work in partnership to meet his language goals. Now though, Spencer is going in on his own with this other boy. They are creating a special friendship and really do look forward to seeing one another. The other Mom and I, have used the time to chat, discuss the struggles, battles and hurdles we have faced around raising our boys. Even though her son's issues are slightly different, it still astonishes me when i hear her story. I see a woman who is completely committed to helping her son. I recognize a woman who just wants people to see her son as the special and caring boy that he is. A Mom who wants nothing for her son, other than his complete happiness. I see myself in her. Amazing how just a few weeks of chatting over coffee in the waiting room, we are already connected. I really am enjoying my Monday's with her, as we laugh, share and yes we have even had teary eyes together. Not quite ugly cry....but definitely some emotional moments. :) Strange, that this can occur with someone I barely know. Neither of us can ever believe it when the session is over. The time just flies by and before we know it, out come our bouncing boys all smiles and armed with that much more knowledge to get them by in the cruel world of 5 year old's. :)

As our boys work on being social, we have gained something as well. I have encountered yet another woman who knows what its like. While our kids work on speech in another room, their Mom's have a whole dialogue of their own going on in the room next door. Irony....gets me every time. Who knew that a 36 year old woman could benefit from a social skills group? All i do know, is that Monday's don't seem so bad, in fact, i am now really looking forward to the one's to come.

For Tricia.....if you read this, thanks for today.... I feel fortunate to have met you.

One for the memory book...

Today was one of those days where i fell in love with my kids all over again. Lately i have been working alot more hours in order to pay for Spencer's speech therapy. He is in back to back speech right now and unfortunately this has a tendency to break the bank. As a result, i think both my babies are feeling my absence. With that in mind, i planned a special day to just hang out and enjoy each other. Nothing fancy, just grocery shopping, baking, board games and a movie on the couch with all their favourite snacks.

Lately they haven't been getting along so well, so i figured this was one of those days where i could create some sibling magic. Thankfully, i achieved my goal. We had a fantastic day, filled with play, talking and cooperation. These days, we all seem to need to work on appreciating each other a little more. Kennedy has a tendency to be easily embarrassed by Spencer and some of the things he does in public. Sometimes, he has bouts of crying and saying things over and over when he doesn't understand why we can't do something he has set his sights on. She has been humiliated in the past on the playground at her school, when her brother has tantrumed because he can't run off and do as he pleases, or when he has refuses to walk and will lay down on the concrete.. When these episodes occur, i really do feel for her. She is at such a sensitive age, one where she is conscious of any attention that may be unnecessarily drawn to her. Luckily, many of those tantrum taking days are over for Spencer, so Kennedy can now breath a little easier.

Grocery shopping today, my kids were hilarious. Spencer was doing a dance in the produce section and said to someone going by "Look at my dancin moves". Being social is becoming less and less of a problem for my Spence! Kennedy was so good about this and actually thought it was funny. We all laughed, and she was able to embrace it as simply her brother being silly. For the remainder of the shopping excursion, she was able to encourage her brother without being bossy. Spencer made it through the whole store without having to be put in the cart. Until just recently, Spencer could never make it through shopping without wandering off or touching things.. This is a huge victory as he is able to now follow the "hold the cart" rule from beginning to end. This is something very small to most parents, but took me months to teach my boy.

When we got home, we baked cookies, and played some games together. They wrestled which did not end up in blood shed or cracked skulls. They laughed and laughed and laughed. Next to Spencer learning to talk, this is the absolute best sound on the face of the earth. My two children laughing....together. So to further celebrate, we made "breakfast for dinner", which they always get a kick out of. My girl was actually conversing with her brother at the dinner table. She was REALLY trying to talk to him on his level rather than getting annoyed because he couldn't reciprocate language on her terms. She seemed interested in what he was saying, even though neither of us knew what that was. :) This makes me so proud. I call it the "throwin me a freakin bone" moments. These happy, fun filled pieces of time between my kids, they sustain me and get me through the battles to come.

(Oooops, sorry had to leave for a second to break up a disagreement. Damn.....i guess they threw that bone and then decided to take it away!!) :) Anyway, i am just going to pretend i am still in the land of kids who adore each other. At least until i am finished this blog and have celebrated the moments of my life with my coffee.

Anyyyywayyy, I am so proud of my girl for trying today. All i want, is for them to find some common ground. A place where she can appreciate her zany brother who has the heart of gold. A place where he can see how much she has to teach him and what a wonderful protector he has in her. God, i love them. They are such good company sometimes. Sometimes, they make me want to run screaming down the street while tearing my hair out. Either way though, I am so very fortunate. Days like this remind me just how great I have it.

A Mother's Love

When i began this blog, I did so in hopes of finding a place of my own to discuss my feelings related to my boy and the absolutely enormous love i have for him as well as my daughter. It has given me the space to vent and reflect and acknowledge just how special both my kids are. I needed this certain something extra to keep me focused on the prize, especially during the tough days of raising a child with special needs. I am realizing how important blogging is becoming to my emotional well being. It provides me with a release, and forces me to be consciously aware of all of the treasures i have in my life. It has forced me to recognize, ponder and think about things. As a result, I am becoming completely aware of how powerful a Mother's love can truly be.

When i refer to this love, i am actually not speaking about the love i have for MY children. My affection runs deeper than any ocean when it comes to my two babies. I often feel like my heart will burst from all that I feel for them. The love i am referring to however, is the love that my Mom has for me. As an adult, and mother, I am now able to see the roads my Mom travelled with me and am learning more and more exactly what I have meant to her. I have ALWAYS known how much my mother has cared for me, wished only the very best things to come my way. Her patience, guidance and strength of character have been the things that I have admired and cherished about her. A day doesn't go by now, that i don't recognize how much she did for me. No one will ever know how special this woman is to me, how absolutely connected I am to her, and thankful for all that she has done for me.

Through all of the ups and downs with Spencer, my Mom, has been there every step of the way. She is my confidante, the rock i lean on when i don't always know where to turn. Listening patiently some days while i cry, yell and complain. Encouraging me, and providing me with the opportunity to refocus and tell me that i am doing the right thing. She knows me better than any one else, sometimes it frightens me just how well she just "gets" it. As a child, I know i took her for granted. That's what kids do. I am forever sorry for anytime i ever left her feeling sad or unloved. The teenage years were bumpy, with my moods forever being a challenge. I too am sorry for this. I wish i hugged her more, and just told her how amazing I think she was. I wish I didn't forget her birthday or ignore her when she wanted help around the house. I wish i just took more time to just "be" with her. The list goes on and on. I am grateful for all the special times she created for us, and how many times she made me laugh. She was the constant in my life that made me feel safe, secure and loved.

All of the great things I am as a parent, are because of my Mother. I have aspired to do half the job that she did with her children. She treated us with respect, fairness and was no pushover. I knew she would go to the ends of the earth for me. I am thankful i got my Mother Bear instincts from her. As an adult now, I am seeing her as more than my Mom. I am seeing her as a strong, independent, kind, and intelligent woman who possesses more compassion and understanding than anyone else i know. She has taught me to stand up for the things i believe in. She supported me when i wanted to wear tie tacks in my ears and horrendous clothing. She allowed to be an individual, and stood by me around many of the choices i made. She forgave me when i crashed up the car, had a pig sty for a room, got drunk and threw up, and when i knocked the head off her ceramic captain. She sat by my bedside through 2 major spinal surgeries, and now i can say i understand what she meant when she said she wished she could trade places with me. She learned to let things go and move on. Something she is still teaching me today.

I am so fortunate, that we picked each other. I don't really know how things would have turned out for me if i wasn't raised under such a fantastic example. I'm not certain that i would have done as good of a job with my own children had i not been dealt the cards i was. Lucky...... yeah i have been very lucky. My biggest fan is the lady that looks just like me. She has always been my Mother. Now, she is also my friend.

Thanks Mom.....I love you. Jess xo

The dreaded grave yard shift really gets you to thinking.

I sit here working another night shift and finally all of the kids have gone to sleep. Recently, we had a new addition to the house. An autistic boy who has extremely high needs. We rarely get special needs clients as it is a house geared more towards providing behavioral stabilization with a behavioral assessment component that assists in planning for our clients futures. Most of our kids have been on the run, had high gang involvement, done time in jail, and sadly, many have issues with depression, or mental health issues. They are usually very out of control by the time they reach our program.

As a result, this new boy is a lamb among the wolves. Thankfully, our tough and street wise teens are quite sensitive to the needs of this boy. It makes me proud to watch them being patient, concerned and kind when dealing with him. This boy is non verbal, on a pics program and has quite extreme behaviors. He self stimulates constantly and is very self abusive. He does not sleep, and is assaultive to the adults around him. All of our other teens, quietly show concern and worry for this boy. When he does fall asleep, they are all very careful not to wake him even though they may be dealing with their own issues. When he awakes in the night, and is screaming for hours on end, these high risk, tough kids...well they don't complain. It makes me realize that even kids who have boat loads of baggage, and histories that the average person would struggle to even comprehend, even they can be empathetic. They can be sensitive and think of others. When i am witness to this, it reminds me why i have one of the very best jobs in the world.

When this boy was admitted, i will admit, it triggered some things for me. I have been in this field for 16 years and have learned to keep boundaries and leave the job on the floor the minute i leave the program. As front line staff, we see some terrible things, and often are left to deal with the aftermath that is most often related to severe neglect and unspeakable abuse. People in my line of work that stick around are in it because they actually really do LOVE it.

In this circumstance, with this very sweet boy with such signifigant needs, I see what it could have been for my son. It could have been my son with such extreme behaviors, in a world so far away that it almost impossible to reach him. I am forever grateful that I do not have a boy who harms himself, or others. It could have been my Spencer, that had to leave home and go into care in order to get him the help he needed. Another blessing, my Spence lives for the hug. He thrives on the hand holding, the kiss and the tickles. He does not get agitated by human contact, and although he sometimes seems to drift away from me for periods of time, I can always pull him back. I was lucky enough that i could always find the means necessary to keep him from retreating away from the rest of the world. Seeing this boy, well, it is my reminder of what my life could have been. I can't even imagine the loss and pain that some of these parents face in trying to help these amazing kids.

The great thing is that i now have some tools to help children like this. There was a day when i was one of those workers who believed i didn't work well with this population. I am glad I have grown, and developed my skills in these areas. If it was my boy who lived in care, I would want someone to be kind to him, treat him with dignity and respect, even when he was presenting some very challenging and difficult behaviors. I would want someone to think he was sweet, and always focus on his positives. I would want someone to take care to help him learn new things and figure out what his favourite activites were. I would want someone who could deal with the frustration and still have the ability to be calming and gentle. Being Spencer's Mom has made me want to be all of those things on this job. Being Kennedy's Mom has made me want to always remember what it is like to be a kid and how scary it can be sometimes. I can only hope that I will just continue to make strides in these areas. Like i said once before....a work in progress...thats me. I really can't wait to see the finished product!

Damn you John Mayer....

John Mayer. The man can write a fantastic love song. These days though, i seem to rue the day he made it big. Spencer has decided that his favourite song is "Your body is a wonderland". Go figure. When i say, its his favourite song, i mean he can't stop asking for it, humming, singing and wants it on over and over again. Of course i try to distract him, but Spence just won't have it.

I made the foolish mistake of putting my CD on in the car a few weeks ago. Given Spencer's incredibly developed memory skills, that was all it took. He had taken most of those hot and sexy lyrics and stored them away in that cute little head of his. God help me.....maybe my son is just going to turn out to be a very romantic guy one day. Anyway, I am lucky in that there are very few things that Spencer does that ever embarrasses me. I really do accept his little differences, and for the most part, this is never an issue. I will admit, that there are occasions where he will say or do something in public that i try to cover for or make light of. This is one of those instances.

The owner of Hasty Market must think we are nuts. Actually, he probably thinks we are a few sandwiches short of a picnic. I am actually laughing right now as i play out the scenario in my mind. We had gone to Hasty Market to pick up a few things, and i can hear it begin. I try quickly to distract, chattering wildly to keep him away from the place i know he is about to go. Then it happens...uhoh....Spencer starts the hum and then breaks out into the lyrics of this song. For those of you that are not familiar, i have his favourite part of the song below. Now imagine a five year old singing the following. I might note, that for a child who is supposed to have severe speech issues, rest assured, those problems don't seem to surface while he is singing this song. Clear as a bell and in tune to boot!!


One mile to every inch of Your skin like porcelain
One pair of candy lips and Your bubblegum tongue
Cause if you want love We'll make it
Swimming a deep sea Of blankets
Take all your big plans And break 'em
This is bound to be a while
Your body Is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)
Your body Is a wonderland

So... you can see my horror as my son makes his way through bubble gum tongues, candy lips and deep seas of blankets. The man at the Hasty Market was just staring with his jaw open, and my face was 13 shades of scarlet. Not one of my finer moments as I struggle to explain this to him, then just stopped, and thought "Ugggh...I can't be bothered....you're just gonna have to deal". Some days, educating the rest of the world is just not a task i am up for. Instead, i continued to get what i need while Spencer strolled around the store singing about Wonderlands and porcelain skin. Seriously, i am crying laughing as i write this. Its one of those Mom moments that literally makes you physically cringe.

My son is such a delight. Everything is an adventure with him. No two days are ever the same. I prefer to think of him as a fantastically wrapped present, and when you tear away the layers of paper, you discover something amazing. While it might not be exactly what you asked for, you really do realize its actually a much better gift. Full of pleasant, fun and sometimes embarrassing surprises. I never know where he will take me next, but boy is the journey ever interesting.

Hooray! Spencer can lie!

Ironic. It always catches me off guard when i realize just how much my perception of achievement has changed since Spencer has come into my life. Victories aren't really about being the best when it comes to my boy. I've become better equipped at finding complete pride in his smallest accomplishments. Some parents measure the success of their own child in terms of whether or not they are keeping up with all the other children on the playground. I hear parents say things all the time that demonstrate this very fact. Many of these statements go something to the effect of--"My daughter can count to 50." "My son knows all his shapes and can draw them all by himself". "My child scores 3 goals at his soccer game last night". I've been that parent that compares my child to others, especially when it comes to my daughter Kennedy. Those days are now over.

Its actually very liberating. When you accept your child for who they are, limitations and all, you have no need to set the bar so high. It no longer matters if you are keeping up with the "Jones's". This becomes much easier, once you reestablish more obtainable goals for your child. Its the whole icing on the cake theory. You support and guide and hope for the best, and anything that exceeds your dreams is just icing on the cake. It makes life much easier and you stop mourning for what could be.

Spencer has many "icing on the cake" moments. Recently, he proved that he is becoming very successful at many of the things that I wondered if he would ever be able to achieve. Prime example occurred a few days ago. I discovered that my son can lie. To be honest, I could not be more proud. Lying is an incredibly difficult concept for kids with severe language delays to learn. Generally, he is just focused on getting by with the words he has, always trying to understand what is being asked of him. Conceptually, to grasp the idea of telling an untruth can be pretty much impossible. Spencer is getting it though. While i recognize that this is not a quality i want to promote in him, i am pleased at the very least to know he CAN do it.

So, the story goes a little something like this. I was getting dinner ready and Kennedy was in bed as she was home sick with a cold. Spencer was helping me set the table and suddenly i hear "uhoh". I turn to see a whole bottle of salad dressing poured on the table. I then asked Spencer what happened. His response was "I no did it....Kennedy do it"!! I asked him again what happened and he repeated those words again with conviction and looking me straight in the eye. I almost laughed and cried at the same time. Fantastic! He's thinking outside the box....the deceptive box, but outside the box nonetheless. So yes, i did have to try to point out that lying is not okay and yes i did have to pretend to be a little disappointed, but in the end I was jumping for joy inside.

The wonderful thing about all of this, is that as Spencer grows, so does his Mom. He makes me see things from such new perspectives. He makes me see the world through his eyes. He makes me a better Mom. He makes me appreciate the small things in life. Cake with icing.....it doesn't get any better than that.

The Mom's Club.

Yesterday, I saw this article on the cover of People about Jenny's long hard road with her boy and all the pain, sadness and joy's that come with parenting one of the "special" ones. Its phenomenal to me that someone in the public limelight, living so very far away, with a completely different lifestyle than my own can, share some of the exact same emotions as me. Reading her brief story, had me wanting to high tail it out to Chapters this morning to get her most recent book about raising a child with Autism. Jenny has been on a journey of her own. I felt every single word of her pain, despite the fact that i was blessed that Spencer's issues were not as severe as her son's. Whether it be Autism, developmental delays, health issues or any type of special need, many of us Mom's hurt the same way, love our children endlessly and without condition. We share a kinship, and understand the heartache that goes with caring for a child who requires the "extra" things in life.

You see, i am all too aware of this Mom's Club that I now belong to. Jenny belongs, my friend Elizabeth belongs and many other fantastic women i have encountered....well, they too belong. None of us joined this club for status, for recognition, for any type of amusement. We didn't choose to belong, despite the fact that membership can be very exclusive. They look for their Mom's to be made of the tough stuff, they want these Mom's to have some level of self awareness and be strong of will. Belonging means you will go to the ends of the earth for a little tiny person who really doesn't always have the ability to appreciate all that you do. You need to be able to often think like a warrior, and be kind and sensitive in the most calming and soothing of ways. These Mom's often are overwhelmed, stressed beyond belief, and sacrifice in ways other Mom's don't often realize.

When I was initiated into this club., i did not go easily and not without a fight. I challenged, denied and questioned the very reasoning behind such a group. Why did i need to be there? I wasn't the same as these women...or was I? With time and the camaraderie of the fellow Mom's Club members that i met along the way, I realized this club was actually a nice group to belong to. Sure, we can't sit in the spa and have massages all day being waited on like at other exclusive clubs. Sometimes, we don't always have time to even talk for more than a few minutes. These meetings don't always take place in fancy restaurants or out on a golf course or in a board room. Often, it is the waiting room, at the store, on the phone, on the playground.

Truth be told, I had no desire to belong to this group. Maybe its the non-conformist in me or just that by admitting that i belonged with them, I was admitting that we were different. Now however, i realize the privilege that comes with membership. I have had the good fortune to meet many fantastic women. Dynamic, strong and mighty women who make me smile, educate me and inspire me to dream again. I cannot count how many of these women I have met in the "waiting rooms". All having different stories, but the one common thread that binds us.....is our love for our children.

So maybe the perks aren't always so great by being in this club. Yes it can be very expensive to be one of the chosen few, and can consume a huge part of your life simply by becoming a member. Despite all this though, I am actually ok with being part of this group. I wouldn't be the same person I am, had i not been sworn in against my will. My life is better for it. While things have not always been simple, or easy....I am so lucky that I have met the Mom's I have.

Oh yeah, i almost forgot. In case noone has said so, I want to personally welcome Jenny to the club. I truly hope you find long lasting support and friendship along the way.....from one Mother to another.