A Mother's Love

When i began this blog, I did so in hopes of finding a place of my own to discuss my feelings related to my boy and the absolutely enormous love i have for him as well as my daughter. It has given me the space to vent and reflect and acknowledge just how special both my kids are. I needed this certain something extra to keep me focused on the prize, especially during the tough days of raising a child with special needs. I am realizing how important blogging is becoming to my emotional well being. It provides me with a release, and forces me to be consciously aware of all of the treasures i have in my life. It has forced me to recognize, ponder and think about things. As a result, I am becoming completely aware of how powerful a Mother's love can truly be.

When i refer to this love, i am actually not speaking about the love i have for MY children. My affection runs deeper than any ocean when it comes to my two babies. I often feel like my heart will burst from all that I feel for them. The love i am referring to however, is the love that my Mom has for me. As an adult, and mother, I am now able to see the roads my Mom travelled with me and am learning more and more exactly what I have meant to her. I have ALWAYS known how much my mother has cared for me, wished only the very best things to come my way. Her patience, guidance and strength of character have been the things that I have admired and cherished about her. A day doesn't go by now, that i don't recognize how much she did for me. No one will ever know how special this woman is to me, how absolutely connected I am to her, and thankful for all that she has done for me.

Through all of the ups and downs with Spencer, my Mom, has been there every step of the way. She is my confidante, the rock i lean on when i don't always know where to turn. Listening patiently some days while i cry, yell and complain. Encouraging me, and providing me with the opportunity to refocus and tell me that i am doing the right thing. She knows me better than any one else, sometimes it frightens me just how well she just "gets" it. As a child, I know i took her for granted. That's what kids do. I am forever sorry for anytime i ever left her feeling sad or unloved. The teenage years were bumpy, with my moods forever being a challenge. I too am sorry for this. I wish i hugged her more, and just told her how amazing I think she was. I wish I didn't forget her birthday or ignore her when she wanted help around the house. I wish i just took more time to just "be" with her. The list goes on and on. I am grateful for all the special times she created for us, and how many times she made me laugh. She was the constant in my life that made me feel safe, secure and loved.

All of the great things I am as a parent, are because of my Mother. I have aspired to do half the job that she did with her children. She treated us with respect, fairness and was no pushover. I knew she would go to the ends of the earth for me. I am thankful i got my Mother Bear instincts from her. As an adult now, I am seeing her as more than my Mom. I am seeing her as a strong, independent, kind, and intelligent woman who possesses more compassion and understanding than anyone else i know. She has taught me to stand up for the things i believe in. She supported me when i wanted to wear tie tacks in my ears and horrendous clothing. She allowed to be an individual, and stood by me around many of the choices i made. She forgave me when i crashed up the car, had a pig sty for a room, got drunk and threw up, and when i knocked the head off her ceramic captain. She sat by my bedside through 2 major spinal surgeries, and now i can say i understand what she meant when she said she wished she could trade places with me. She learned to let things go and move on. Something she is still teaching me today.

I am so fortunate, that we picked each other. I don't really know how things would have turned out for me if i wasn't raised under such a fantastic example. I'm not certain that i would have done as good of a job with my own children had i not been dealt the cards i was. Lucky...... yeah i have been very lucky. My biggest fan is the lady that looks just like me. She has always been my Mother. Now, she is also my friend.

Thanks Mom.....I love you. Jess xo