No Fanks Said the Defiant One...

Its been a few days since i have been able to blog, and its amazing how much I miss it when i can't put thoughts to paper so to speak. Life has just been so incredibly busy that I barely have time to get through the basics. This morning though, I am making the time.

Defiant. My boy can be defiant. He started with the occupational therapist last week at school. The one I fought so hard to get approval for. The therapist went to meet with Spencer early last week. Lets just say it didn't go so well. I received a call in the afternoon from the therapist, who advised me that the initial meeting wasn't quite the success she had hoped for. Was i surprised by this? Ummmmmmmm....NO. First off, i wasn't aware that she was going to be meeting with him that day. With the "average" child this would not have been a big deal. With my kiddo though, it would have been more productive had I known. It requires an astonishing amount of prep work on my part when Spencer has to face a new professional. He requires reminder after reminder about what to expect and prompting around what is expected of him. Secondly, my little man has never had to have his first encounter with a professional without his Mama there to smooth things over and help him find his comfort zone. When you throw these two road blocks in front of him.............its a car crash waiting to happen.

With that said, Spencer was met by the therapist who pretty much did every trick in the book to try and entice my boy to engage with her. She could have done the lambada while juggling oranges and still he would not have been hooked. Apparently, Spencer just refused to follow through and wouldn't accept any direction she was giving. The great thing about my kid, is his ability to be endearing even while he is basically telling you to hit the high road. He is one of the most polite children, even while being difficult. According to the therapist, this is just what Spencer presented. He continually said things like, "No fank you", "No fanks wady", and when pushed, he replied with " I say NO FANK YOU". I chuckle when i think about this as Spencer tells me "No fanks" at least 12 times a day.

I guess when they returned to the class, the group went to go take bathroom break and Spencer realized that she was not leaving. He proceeded to lock himself in a bathroom stall and hide out. Resourceful guy....thats my boy. I know that he is beginning to realize he is "different" than the other kids. Different in the sense that he is taken out of class for extra work and testing in the special education room. I think Spencer has realized that he doesn't want to be different. He wants to be like everyone else. He doesn't want to be the boy who has to go spend extra hours working on his pencil grip and strengthening his hands. He doesn't want to go work on sound recognition and number work when the other kids get to play at the Drama centre and Playdough. This makes me sad. So very very sad. He was even able to articulate this to me when i asked him about the lady that came to visit. He said, "I no wanna go Mama, udder kids no have to go". How is this not supposed to break my heart? I need to accept that this will be Spencer's reality for many years to come. I need to find a way of helping him accept that this is who he is, and find methods of building rewards of play into his life for all the hard work he is required to do on a daily basis. Maybe it will make the effort he puts forth, less tiring for him.

Its not all bad news though. His therapist is a seemingly lovely lady. She possesses a great sense of humour and was not put off for being kicked to the curb. She wanted to problem solve how best to make Spencer feel comfortable. We discussed wording of expectations, I suggested that perhaps offering the "first" and "then" options. (eg first a task he must complete, followed by a reward activity). I told her I would attend the sessions for the next few weeks or until Spencer is getting through the sessions without issues. I told her i would speak with the teacher about setting up a reward activity for when he returns to the class. Spencer is a kid who needs to know that there will be a pay off. He needs something to look forward to and it doesn't need to be something tangible or huge. It could be 5 minutes with his favourite book, or 10 minutes playing with a friend. It seriously does not take much to make my little boy happy. He will jump through hoops for the smallest of gifts.

So needless to say, at home, we are prepping. Talking about the play lady, getting ready for the next session. At first, I was being hit by the "No Fank You's", left right and centre. Now though, he is weakening. I told him i would attend, and this morning he said "Ok Mama, I maybe try". So by next week, hopefully we will be good to go. Cross your fingers for us, and just hope that my little boy doesn't mutter those words......."No Fanks Wady".

Just give me the drill and noone will get hurt...

So...remember my last post where i had admitted that sometimes i feel like i need to do everything myself if i want it done right? It was one of those days. Last week little man Spence went to the dentist for a cleaning. We prepped, talked, and of course the foolish Mama acted it out for the little boy. I'm telling you, I really am getting closer to Oscar caliber with regard to my acting skills. The more i practice, the more i refine my craft. I act a lot of things out to demonstrate how routine things happen and it gives my boy another means of understanding what to expect. So before the appointment, i lay on the couch, put my sun glasses on like they do at our dentist (evidently this is good for keeping your own spit from blinding you). I have my giant yap hanging open and use the electric toothbrush to show Spencer what to expect. I make some fierce grinding and buzzing sounds all the while trying to keep the gaping mouth wide open. I believe i may have even drooled on myself. But hey, if it gets me through the appointment...then whats a little spit down the front of my shirt? Not attractive, but yet another gesture all in the name of love. Anyway, Spencer watched intently, and ends up in hysterics on the floor, probably because his Mama looks like such a dingbat with her pink sunglasses and spittle coming out of her mouth.


The appointment came and Spencer was a trooper. He sat up in the chair, and followed all directions. Then the dreaded happened......a cavity. Arrrrghhh. All i can think of is how i am going to act this out? I certainly know that it is not an option for me to act out stabbing myself in the gum with a giant toothpick, and goodness knows i can't bring in the drill from the garage to demonstrate what awaits him in the near future. The swollen tongue and funny talking that comes after a cavity? How shall i get into character for this? Perhaps just jamming 47 cotton balls in my mouth would suffice as i put on my theatrical version of "Seriously the Dentist is a Nice Man". Good times? I think not.

On that note we rebook the appointment for a couple of days later. To be honest, i just said we were going back to the dentist as i was too much of a coward to tell him anything more. Yeah I clucked like a chicken all the way to the dentist office. So we arrive, and Spencer sits in the chair and proceeds to shut down, close up shop and pretty much exit the building. At least in his mind anyway. No talking, no eye contact, and you would have needed the jaws of life to get that mouth open. So I explain to the dentist about his receptive/expressive language delays. He says "What does that mean?" I tell him, but am thinking the whole time "Are you charging me by the minute while i explain this?...and secondly i thought "You make the big bucks, attended some form of medical school, you should know this stuff Jack A$$". Instead i just smiled, and asked if we could book one more appointment to try again. He was very kind to agree, stating that the alternative would be a specialized dentist who will "get the job done". Immediately i thought of Tony Soprano holding a spit sucker and a little mirror. God I kill myself...:)

Today was the day. I got up, and prepped about every 10 mintutes. Reminder after reminder. I did my Days of Our Lives version on the couch again. Spencer was still refusing, but with time and the knowledge that his mother is even more stubborn than him, Spencer finally said "Ok Mama, I go". Mind you i had promised him a trip to the park afterwards which i think was the thing that sealed the deal. So off we went. Spencer climbed up in the chair, did not miss a beat. Made eye contact, was sweet and even tried to talk with the spit sucker in his mouth. The dentist filled that cavity, and Spencer the Mighty endured this without freezing. He's so cool, and very very tough. Another proud moment and a huge sense of relief. I wasn't really sure what I was going to have to do if i had to act out the dentist scene on my couch again.

Bottom line, we survived and endured and all for the bargain price of $175.00. Seeing my son proud of himself for being brave was worth every penny.

Having Faith.....

So, i know this post is going to sound a little egotistical and self centred. As i learn to let my little guy grow up and take steps into the world of independence, i am having to put my trust in those people that work with him. I'll be honest and tell you that this can be a stretch for me. A huge gigantic leap of faith. I have a tendency to sometimes believe that noone could possibly understand Spencer the way i do, and therefore would never be able to help him in ways that are useful and productive. As i write that, i am even a little stunned by the audacity in those words. But regardless, its honest and from the heart.

I have put in my time with kids, gone through the ups and downs. I have made some great parenting decisions and some that i am not so proud of. Through all the choices, I have developed some gut instincts around my kids. I have learned how to handle things when Spencer gets "stuck". I can tell when he just needs time to himself or just a great big hug. I have worked to recognize when my daughter is stressed out and needs some time with her Mom. Sometimes though, this results in my thinking that i should handle everything myself. The whole "if you want it done right, do it yourself" theory.

When you work to protect and guide a little person who completely relies on you, you sometimes end up believing that you have one up on the rest of the universe. While this is true, I am also able to finally acknowledge that people can be committed to your child. They may be of no relation, do not share the same DNA but can still possess natural instincts and can follow through in ways that are caring and supportive. This is a trust that develops over time. I tend to give people their shot with my kids, but heavan forbid if they screw it up. You don't get multiple chances when it comes to my babies. Those that have the "gift" though, thankfully don't need multiple chances. I can learn to trust people to offer support and help me on the road to guiding my son. They have good sound ideas, sometimes some strategies that perhaps i haven't even thought of. I used to struggle with that and would blame myself for not thinking of it first. Selfish and yes even a little narcisisstic, yeah I have been both. I don't really view it like this anymore now. I just feel such comfort in knowing that there are people that care about my son and can come up with creative means to address his issues. They can guide us both, and the pressure doesn't need to weigh on these shoulders quite so heavily.

I still will always continue to follow up and hold these caring people accountable for the ways in which they treat my son. I will always be protective, that will never ever change as long as I have my two kids. I just need to keep the balance thing in perspective. I need to have faith. Faith that its not all about me. Faith that helpers can come in very different forms. In the forms of family, friends, doctors, speech pathologists, special education teachers, and coaches. So many people, all of whom have faith in my son. They deserve a little trust and recognition for all that they do in the course of my sons life. I need to believe that not everyone will let us down. I need to have the faith, and keep being grateful for all the people who are there for us.

The Parent-Teacher Interview

My very first one. My first parent/teacher interview about my sweet little buddy Spencer. I think i should preface here by saying that i really wasn't ready for it. I know what you are thinking. Probably betting that this was a tough one for me and that I was consumed with stress and anticipating the worst. Rest assured.....this is not what i mean.

When i say i was not ready, I mean i REALLY REALLY was not ready. It was this past Friday, and i not only forgot about the meeting, but I also forgot to take my son to school. Some of the days had gotten switched around, and i missed the note home i guess. (Note to self: My son does now have a voice and I need to listen to it when he speaks). Spencer was crying when we dropped Kennedy off at school and would not let it go. He was adamant that it was his day, and i just chalked it up to his being stubborn and not letting anything go. This is not strange for him as Spencer often cries to go to school on his days off. In retrospect though, i should have listened. He was letting me know in a way that was WAY more vocal than usual. Screaming at the top of his lungs and stating "School Mama School...It my day.!!" This was followed by howling and throwing his back pack. Yeah i guess i didn't take the hint so well. Dense moment.
I am usually very on top of the kids appointments and meetings. Scheduling is my life when it comes to them. Not really sure what happened, but goodness me, I was a disaster that day.

The story goes on....and doesn't get much better. I finally realize that i need to get him to school. We run around making lunches and packing bags and get out the door. Picture it.....and yes feel free to laugh. I still had not had my shower, so my hair looks like yellow flames dancing on the top of my head, i have one black sock on and one white sock on, a blue shirt that has grape juice spilled down the front, and god forbid, i am wearing black dressy boots with lycra work out pants!!!! SO i quickly run him into school, while hiding under the hood of my winter coat. Spencer is thrilled about being right, and feels no shame in reminding me all the way down the hall of his school. "I told you Mama". "Why you no listen Mama". "Why you no take dat big fur hat off Mama?". This suddenly seemed like a very very long walk. Who knew a hall could look so long?? So i get him into class, and the teacher and I chuckle about my mistake. No big deal right? Then she says, "take your coat off Jessica and you can observe for a while and then we will meet and discuss Spencer's progress". What?? Damn...the interview. I forgot! I act like i planned to look like a lunatic housewife who has absolutely no control over her hygiene or with meeting deadlines. But, luckily she knows me as she taught Kennedy in the past. Thank goodness for small miracles. I oblige her, and more importantly, I oblige the boy who is thrilled that his Mama is visiting his class.

Once i get over my disgust in myself for both my appearance and my lack of planning, I get to watch my little boy in action. Soon it didn't matter that i looked like I escaped from the loony bin. I watched a little boy who could sit at circle, share books and had friends who were happy to see him. I saw him show concern for another boy who had tripped and fallen, and i was lucky enough to see him laugh time and time again. The teacher and I spoke about his successes and the areas where we all know he will struggle. The thing i realized in that meeting, is that my boy has worked some of his magic. His teacher loves and cares about him. His charms have won her over, and she wants to help him. When i asked her about how he was doing socially, she surprised me with her response. Her eyes filled with tears, and she said, "It makes me want to cry". I asked her what was wrong and she said "nothing at all..Spencer is very well liked". Apparently, my boy with all his struggles is managing to make new friends. This made her emotional because she knew how badly i wanted that for him. I could see how badly she wants it for him too. To feel some acceptance and know that he is not all alone.


Sooo......this disaster of a Mom, in all her glory, had to add to the sight by bursting into tears. I was so happy to hear those words. Probably some of the best words I have ever heard. I am thankful to her for always trying to find the best ways to help Spencer. I appreciate that she consults me and will make adjustments to make life easier for my boy. When situations arise, she asks all the important questions, and modifies herself to ensure my son is comprehending what is expected. This is the sign of a good teacher. She doesn't have to do these things. She does these things because she sees his potential and wants to help him feel good about school. She is firm, kind and giving. I am so glad Spencer has her in his life. Just another ally to add to the very growing list in his life.

After the meeting, as I walked away smiling and happy, I realized that a few people were looking at me. I had forgotten about my flames of fire hair, crazy clothes, work out pants and big parka. Funny how the happiness of our kids can make all the bad stuff go away, even if just for a minute.

The Spectrum Train

When i try to explain to people why it is that i am pretty certain that Spencer is on the Autism Spectrum, i sometimes struggle to pinpoint all the things that have brought me to this conclusion. While my son has always been able to roll with the punches and does not get upset by changes in his routine, he still struggles with his need for repetition, and most definitely can be a creature of habit sometimes. When Spencer was small, he would sit and do things over and over again, usually tuning out the rest of the world. When he was in this mode, there wasn't much that could shift his attention from his task at hand. From lining up forks and spoons, to waving crayons in front of his eyes, to page flipping, these were the things that brought him comfort and happiness. Spencer did not play with toys in the traditional sense. While most children just naturally evolve through the stages of play, I remember spending hours with Spencer trying to teach him how to use toys. I remember wanting him to learn the logic behind their uses. I longed for him to see that this could be fun and enjoyable. When he was about to start preschool, it took me 3 weeks of practice for him to learn to play tag and hide and seek. Running like a wild woman over and over, making crazy faces and hiding in the strangest of places, just in hopes of giving my son some methods in which he could engage other children.


Spencer still has those days. Today, was one of those days. He often needs this to soothe him especially after a hard day. Lately, he has reverted back to this behavior more so than usual. I think with all the pressure and demands of his life, it allows him to have an outlet. He often engages in these activities, after school, or after his speech therapy sessions. I believe my boy gets tired of holding it all together all the time. He works so hard.....so damn hard every single day of his life. As a result, i allow him to go off on his own and take this time for himself. Whether its flipping books, or counting puzzle pieces, i know he needs that time. The wonderful thing about it now though, is that he is not completely consumed by it. I can pull him away from it, without the crying or melt downs. He now can include us in his activities and does not feel the need to be in a world of solitude and distance. He asks us to participate. He doesn't NEED to be alone all of the time.

Today, Spencer demonstrated just how far he has come. He got on the candy train, and was not coming off until his mission was completed. He worked diligently to create the most amazing line of Halloween candy. This covered the entire bottom floor of our house. Little tiny pieces of candy all lined up in straight little lines. Each sucker and chocolate bar meticulously placed side by side. I might add that he waved each piece in front of his eyes before placing it in its designated spot. Spencer asked me to join in, communicating the whole time. "Wook what I make Mama". "Dis is so mut fun". There was a time, not so long ago, where he would never have tolerated anyone being involved in his stimming. (self stimulating behavior than can soothe or calm...usually repetitive). Today though, he invited me to add some candy, and didn't care if it was out of order. He laughed when i accidentally knocked a few pieces out of order. In the past, he would have sobbed uncontrollably had this happened. I tested him today to see how flexible he was willing to be. I pulled a piece of candy out of the line. His very favourite chocolate bar. I told him to take a break with me and we could have a treat. He wouldn't have it. He took the candy and put it back in line in its rightful place. I pushed it further and took the candy again. He stuck to his guns though and said, "No Mama, first twain, then candy". God love that boy, he was being patient with his defiant Mother.

The thing i have realized over the last few years, is that it doesn't always have to be my way. So my kid likes to line stuff up. Maybe he will just be a very organized fellow when he grows up. As someone who is not all that organized, i can recognize how valuable this quality will be in his future. Maybe he waves things in front of his eyes so that he can appreciate how beautiful something is. Maybe he counts things repetitively in order to challenge himself to reach higher. I guess i know now, i can't expect him to conform to the rest of the world, when i can't occasionally visit and appreciate all the great things he has in his world. It can be a fun place. A place where a little boy takes such simple pleasure in things that most people would never think to enjoy. My boy is an awesome individual. He shines brighter and brighter every single day. Today, i fell in love with making a train out of Halloween candy. I fell in love with this game because i didn't have to watch from the sidelines. I was lucky enough to play with my little boy and as per his instructions, we finished that train.....and then we shared a KitKat. :)

Thank you Nicholas Sparks.

My Dad had given me a book a while back and had suggested i read it. He has the same love for reading as I and we often trade books back and forth. Dad had mentioned that there was a storyline in this book that described a situation very similar to the one that I have gone through with Spencer. It took me a few weeks to get to it, but i started it yesterday and needless to say, I am finished it today. Nicholas Sparks.....such a gifted writer. Typically he writes the amazing love story. Has authored such books as "A walk to remember" and "the Notebook". The one that i fell in love with however, was "The Rescue".


While it did cover the growth and development of a wonderful love between a man and a woman, there was a much bigger plot line that captured my absolute attention. The female character in the book was a single mother of a child with a severe receptive and expressive language disorder. More specifically, her son had an auditory processing disorder. Much of this story detailed her struggles over the years around all the appointments, her own home teachings with him, and leaving her teaching career behind in order to help him. I cried like a baby several times throughout this story. This author articulated this characters feeling with such sincerity and honesty. I was quite baffled, seeing myself in much of this story. Without a doubt, I am certain that Mr. Sparks has had some encounter with a child who has had these struggles. Whether it be his own child or that of a loved one, he had intimate knowledge about the fears and struggles a parent goes through when you have a child who has no understanding of language. He understands that these children don't have the ability to always sort and categorize the words that they learn. He knows that its often like being in France, when the only language you have learned was taught to you as you grew up in Spain. Its all foreign and none of it makes sense. Mr. Sparks describes with clarity, the absolute fear a parent can face when they know they aren't able to teach your child about everyday dangers, strangers and all the other unsafe things that pop up in day to day life. How exasperating it can be to know that your child doesn't understand these words, and ultimately you can't give them the tools they need to keep them safe in the world. He poetically writes about this Mother's love for her child, and the lengths she will go to help him. He gets that a Mother sometimes judges others solely on the way that they treat her child. I cannot even express how much i loved this book. For all of these reasons and more. I love when i encounter a book that makes me think about things long after the last page is over. This was one of those written adventures.

This book made me realize just how little public knowledge there is out there on the topic of speech and language disorders. Thankfully a lot more attention is being drawn the the Autism Spectrum Disorder, but when it comes to the awareness of language, we have a long way to go. Its not something that people understand. These children rely on those that love them, to educate all those that they encounter in order to make people understand. I recall on more than one occasion, people saying such ignorant comments as " He doesn't look like anything is wrong with him", or "I just never would have guessed something was wrong. He looks so normal" Are people really this stupid? How is it that they can have their head so firmly planted in their ass? I wonder what its like to be that completely insensitive and harsh when dealing with an innocent child. Yeah, i sit in judgement. I have earned the right to judge all the jerks of the world that have been less than kind to my boy. I try not to get angry, as I know that its due to a lack of information and not an attempt to be blatantly cruel. Honestly though, it gets old when people don't have the most basic of social skills necessary to be thoughtful before opening those giant and gaping holes in their faces. Think before you speak.....a simple concept. But one that many people are not able to live their life by. So sad....so very sad. As you can tell, I have some baggage related to all the fools I have encountered through this journey.

If Nicholas Sparks does not have a child that has these struggles, I would be very very surprised. I want to thank him for two reasons. For writing such a fabulous story and describing these struggles with such sensitivity as well as from a very educated stand point. As people read this book, and believe that they are going the get the usual amazing love story, they are in fact getting something much more. Without realizing it, they may discover that they have received some tools that will help them to be gentle and caring should they ever encounter one of these "special ones". It truly is a wonderful thing, that you can learn something so great just from flipping the pages of a book. Lastly, I am grateful to Nicholas Sparks for making it just a little bit easier for us Mom's out there. The more people know, the easier it will be for my little boy. For that I am thankful.