The guilt trip.....its a wild ride.

I am officially tired. Mostly after a long week, working crazy hours to accommodate everybody else's schedule. It takes it out of me. I guess this is the classic "woe is me" blog. I don't have too many of them so i am going to indulge myself a little today. Working all these full time hours, over nights, afternoon shifts, as well as 12 hour shifts is manifesting itself by sending me into a walking coma. Needless to say, i am feeling a little spread thin. For most people this is a feat, but with all the speech, phone calls, work at home, sport ball and being a girl guide leader....it can become very trying on the nerves. Kind of like the nails down the chalk board. Grating, annoying and makes you want to run away. As you can see, I am as bitter as 2 day old coffee. But just for today.....i hope.

Guilt.....its a fantastically powerful, and all encompassing emotion. I used to always wonder what i did wrong for Spencer to have been dealt the hand he was. I wondered if it was because i forgot my prenatal vitamin that one day. I questioned if it was because i went on the antibiotics that one time. Wondered if i had just not been a good enough person and my son was being punished as a result. I thought about the time I banged my very pregnant belly into the table. I believed that I must not have talked to him enough when he was a new born. Questioned if the immunizations may have caused the issues or if it was that time when he had an ear infection and i didn't pick up on it quickly enough. Was it something i fed him? Did he consume something dangerous when i wasn't looking. How could I have missed it if i did? The list goes on and on. I really did believe i did something horribly wrong. I have learned though, that most "special" parents question these things. These feelings of responsibility are larger than life. You make it your mission to make up for whatever mistake it was that you made. Miraculously though, I also now know, that i didn't do anything wrong. I now am completely and utterly aware of the fact that i did something very right. I brought my beautiful boy into this world. No mistake was made...none whatsoever.

Guilt....it still surfaces though despite my best efforts to keep it at bay. It pulls at the very nerve centre of my being some days. Being pulled one way or another. Feeling bad for not measuring up or meeting the needs of others is gut wrenching. I constantly wonder if i am making the right decisions. Am i doing the right things? I almost wish i was being evaluated and graded like back in school. Then i would have concrete evidence of what is working and where i need to improve. Someone to offer the praise as well as constructive feedback. But like with raising kids, life doesn't come with an instruction manual. Some days it just feels like i am swimming against the current. While i was always a fantastic swimmer, even the strong get tired of fighting the waves.

It just seems like we finally get into a groove and then something else rears its ugly head, and forces me to get into problem solving mode. I don't want to plan and fix everything some days. Occasionally I want to tell the world to piss off. I know it sounds selfish, and i know my day will come where i can focus on me. All of my hopes and dreams and things i want for MY life. Then the guilt comes knocking and making me feel like a big bag of garden dung for thinking about myself. That damn balancing act.....its a tough one. I'm working on it, and will continue to paddle my way up stream. Hopefully i will continue to build momentum, and just keep getting stronger. In the mean time, i will afford myself the occasional day of gloom, and will enjoy my one woman pity party. Tomorrow though, it will be a new day. One with lots of promise for good things to come. I'm looking forward to it. Optimism.....it really is the very best medicine around.