Hooray! Spencer can lie!

Ironic. It always catches me off guard when i realize just how much my perception of achievement has changed since Spencer has come into my life. Victories aren't really about being the best when it comes to my boy. I've become better equipped at finding complete pride in his smallest accomplishments. Some parents measure the success of their own child in terms of whether or not they are keeping up with all the other children on the playground. I hear parents say things all the time that demonstrate this very fact. Many of these statements go something to the effect of--"My daughter can count to 50." "My son knows all his shapes and can draw them all by himself". "My child scores 3 goals at his soccer game last night". I've been that parent that compares my child to others, especially when it comes to my daughter Kennedy. Those days are now over.

Its actually very liberating. When you accept your child for who they are, limitations and all, you have no need to set the bar so high. It no longer matters if you are keeping up with the "Jones's". This becomes much easier, once you reestablish more obtainable goals for your child. Its the whole icing on the cake theory. You support and guide and hope for the best, and anything that exceeds your dreams is just icing on the cake. It makes life much easier and you stop mourning for what could be.

Spencer has many "icing on the cake" moments. Recently, he proved that he is becoming very successful at many of the things that I wondered if he would ever be able to achieve. Prime example occurred a few days ago. I discovered that my son can lie. To be honest, I could not be more proud. Lying is an incredibly difficult concept for kids with severe language delays to learn. Generally, he is just focused on getting by with the words he has, always trying to understand what is being asked of him. Conceptually, to grasp the idea of telling an untruth can be pretty much impossible. Spencer is getting it though. While i recognize that this is not a quality i want to promote in him, i am pleased at the very least to know he CAN do it.

So, the story goes a little something like this. I was getting dinner ready and Kennedy was in bed as she was home sick with a cold. Spencer was helping me set the table and suddenly i hear "uhoh". I turn to see a whole bottle of salad dressing poured on the table. I then asked Spencer what happened. His response was "I no did it....Kennedy do it"!! I asked him again what happened and he repeated those words again with conviction and looking me straight in the eye. I almost laughed and cried at the same time. Fantastic! He's thinking outside the box....the deceptive box, but outside the box nonetheless. So yes, i did have to try to point out that lying is not okay and yes i did have to pretend to be a little disappointed, but in the end I was jumping for joy inside.

The wonderful thing about all of this, is that as Spencer grows, so does his Mom. He makes me see things from such new perspectives. He makes me see the world through his eyes. He makes me a better Mom. He makes me appreciate the small things in life. Cake with icing.....it doesn't get any better than that.

The Mom's Club.

Yesterday, I saw this article on the cover of People about Jenny's long hard road with her boy and all the pain, sadness and joy's that come with parenting one of the "special" ones. Its phenomenal to me that someone in the public limelight, living so very far away, with a completely different lifestyle than my own can, share some of the exact same emotions as me. Reading her brief story, had me wanting to high tail it out to Chapters this morning to get her most recent book about raising a child with Autism. Jenny has been on a journey of her own. I felt every single word of her pain, despite the fact that i was blessed that Spencer's issues were not as severe as her son's. Whether it be Autism, developmental delays, health issues or any type of special need, many of us Mom's hurt the same way, love our children endlessly and without condition. We share a kinship, and understand the heartache that goes with caring for a child who requires the "extra" things in life.

You see, i am all too aware of this Mom's Club that I now belong to. Jenny belongs, my friend Elizabeth belongs and many other fantastic women i have encountered....well, they too belong. None of us joined this club for status, for recognition, for any type of amusement. We didn't choose to belong, despite the fact that membership can be very exclusive. They look for their Mom's to be made of the tough stuff, they want these Mom's to have some level of self awareness and be strong of will. Belonging means you will go to the ends of the earth for a little tiny person who really doesn't always have the ability to appreciate all that you do. You need to be able to often think like a warrior, and be kind and sensitive in the most calming and soothing of ways. These Mom's often are overwhelmed, stressed beyond belief, and sacrifice in ways other Mom's don't often realize.

When I was initiated into this club., i did not go easily and not without a fight. I challenged, denied and questioned the very reasoning behind such a group. Why did i need to be there? I wasn't the same as these women...or was I? With time and the camaraderie of the fellow Mom's Club members that i met along the way, I realized this club was actually a nice group to belong to. Sure, we can't sit in the spa and have massages all day being waited on like at other exclusive clubs. Sometimes, we don't always have time to even talk for more than a few minutes. These meetings don't always take place in fancy restaurants or out on a golf course or in a board room. Often, it is the waiting room, at the store, on the phone, on the playground.

Truth be told, I had no desire to belong to this group. Maybe its the non-conformist in me or just that by admitting that i belonged with them, I was admitting that we were different. Now however, i realize the privilege that comes with membership. I have had the good fortune to meet many fantastic women. Dynamic, strong and mighty women who make me smile, educate me and inspire me to dream again. I cannot count how many of these women I have met in the "waiting rooms". All having different stories, but the one common thread that binds us.....is our love for our children.

So maybe the perks aren't always so great by being in this club. Yes it can be very expensive to be one of the chosen few, and can consume a huge part of your life simply by becoming a member. Despite all this though, I am actually ok with being part of this group. I wouldn't be the same person I am, had i not been sworn in against my will. My life is better for it. While things have not always been simple, or easy....I am so lucky that I have met the Mom's I have.

Oh yeah, i almost forgot. In case noone has said so, I want to personally welcome Jenny to the club. I truly hope you find long lasting support and friendship along the way.....from one Mother to another.

Say it with me kids....PER-SEV-ER-ATE

Per·sev·er·ate - to repeat something insistently or redundantly.

My son....that little love of my life has many gifts. Some of those gifts bring a smile to my lips, some make me thrilled beyond words, and and there are those few gifts that make me want to rip my own ears off. :) Spencer has been blessed with the wonderful gift of perseverating. For those of you that don't know what that means....refer to the oxford definition above. My stubborn little man doesn't like to let things go. Sometimes, I believe he doesn't know HOW to let those things go. As a result, he often says things over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over.. Annoyed yet? My point exactly. Prime example....the other day Spencer woke up and by bed time, he had asked to go to Blockbuster Video 67 times!! Yes i actually counted....gave me something else to focus on besides cursing out Blockbuster for its very existence. Perhaps now you understand why i occasionally want to rip my ears off!

The great thing about this journey is that i have learned about a few of my own gifts. I AM a patient person. I can parent in ways that are creative and motivate my kids to do well. I by no means am perfect by any stretch, and goodness knows i have had my occasional stark raving mad parenting moments. I have really learned to shift my thinking, and see the brighter side of these tiny "quirks". I prefer to see it as a boy who is persistent, refusing to give up, standing strong and knowing what he wants. While dealing with this behavior can be a challenge to say the least, it definitely keeps me on my toes and forces me to find really amazing ways of helping Spencer move on from his fixation. I have learned to do crazy dances, have amazing tickle fights, play tag and hide and seek again. All of which, are fantastic strategies for distracting him from his want of the moment. Simply saying no,...or later...does not always work. Given that i am a parent who does not just give in to every whim, these tactics have been blessings for both of us. It doesn't always have to turn into a win lose situation. I don't always have to be the big controlling boss. The other great thing is that it is transferring over to my daughter. I am finding my patience with her as well.

My boy has a long memory, one that retains the tiniest details. He remembers the good, the bad and the ugly. As a result, we need to really protect him from what he sees and hears. He recalls information from months and months ago, remembers directions to far away places after only travelling there one time. He remembers numbers in ways that are astonishing, and can pretty much recall every single house number of every house we have been to. He recalls slogans from commercials ...to the point that we can't drive by Maple Leaf Chicken without those famous words being uttered from the back seat...."Because we care". So, i have learned to smile alot and embrace this little gift. Its one of those amazing things that make my son so amazing.
He is incredibly bright, smart and very intuitive for a boy of five years.

I'm realizing that being the kind of person that sees the glass as "half full" is not so bad. Seeing it as "half empty", only means I am acknowledging all the things that are missing or lacking in one way or another. I can't be of that mindset when it comes to raising my son. I cannot constantly be reminding myself of all the things about him that aren't the same as everyone else. It serves no purpose and will eventually just give him the message that what he has to offer is less than the norm. I NEVER want Spencer to feel "less than"....not ever. I must look at him as having these "added" or "extra" traits, all of which just enhance who he is as a person. Somedays, i literally stare into his eyes and wonder what its like to have some of these abilities. Wonder how his brain works the way it does, and can be so different from another child's. But you know what? Different isn't bad....its just...different. It must be frustrating for him some days. I am sure he would like to let alot of these things go if he could. I KNOW he would. Somedays i wish i could take it for him....use my words to say those things over and over....use my voice to give him a break. The reality is, some days i can see that it makes him tired.

Thankfully we don't have many days where i want to rip my own ears off. He is making improvements....huge gains that make him proud. I dare to even say that he is getting a little more flexible in his thinking. I said a "LITTLE"....not "ALOT". Writing that makes me smile, because i realize that i really don't need to be greedy when it comes to his progress. You learn to love and accept whatever gains you get. My boy....he makes me smile. It makes those tough days worth every single second.....

Patience on four legs...Spencer's friend Chanelle.

I swear Spencer is going to conquer the world at the pace he is going. I remember when our friends Michael and Elizabeth bought this little skinny, neglected pooch from a family who was looking to get rid of her. Cute as can be, but she was pretty pathetic when they got her. With love and care though, Chanelle has turned into one of the sweetest most loving and loyal dogs ever, and has turned out to be something even more. She's my son's friend.

Spencer has always been really interested in dogs, but he has always struggled with a deep fear of them. The way they bark and jump around really made him nervous. I could always tell that he wanted to get close to Chanelle and he would seek her out when Michael and Elizabeth would bring him to the school play ground to pick up the kids. Spencer was always sure to keep a safe distance, but would try desperately to get closer to her each time, trying to hide his fears just so that he could one day pet her. This day came a few months ago, when he finally pet her on the back. It took Spencer 2 years to be brave enough to finally reach this goal. The look of pride and excitement on his face was absolutely huge. Chanelle has always seemed to have the knack of staying calm around Spencer for some reason. This can be out of character for her, as she is a dog that loves attention and gets excited when you pet her or or reach to touch her. With Spencer though, she has always tried to stand very still when he has tried to get close to her....almost like she knew. Strange, I think that little white dog could read the situation and wanted to help my son get over his worries.

A couple of weeks ago, we had dinner at their house, and they made their final big step together. Chanelle carefully jumped up on the chair to sit with Spencer. He was so thrilled, and while he was still scared, he loved that she sat with him and let him rub her back. That dog sat there for a long time, patient and gentle with my scared boy. I find it strange that a little white dog can understand a situation while there are so many adults who just can't even grasp the basics.

So as he gains momentum, I realize more and more that he wants to overcome the fear. He wants to feel proud of himself. He wants to be brave and do things that don't feel as natural to him as they do to other kids. Despite the fact that Spencer struggles to communicate, those big huge eyes often tell a very big story. In those eyes, i can see his fears, see when the stubborn kicks in, see when he is filled with joy and excitement, and when he is absolutely terrified. Thank goodness for those eyes.

So this boy and his new friend have made progress. These successes give me incredible hope for Spencer's bright and happy future. Alot of kid's would just give up. Not my boy. He doesn't like to let anything get the better of him. He will conquer the world, even if it is one four legged creature at a time. :)

For our very patient friend on 4 legs named Chanelle.....thanks for hanging in there and making my boy feel so very pleased with himself!!

Letting go.....

Quick update.......my boy is growing up. Yesterday was a success and we survived the first day of the rest of his life. It turns out, that this new life milestone has alot less to do with my letting Spencer go off into the big bad world than i first thought. Truth be told, yesterday i discovered something. My boy is getting strong enough to let ME go. Something i wasn't completely prepared for. He's ready to try to be a big boy, go off and try some things all by himself. He's wanting to spread his wings, stand strong and be brave without Mama there every step of the way. A degree of sadness lingers there for me when i think about this.

More importantly though, I was sooo proud of him. He marched into the playground drop off area with his head held high, greeted his teacher and then proceeded to kiss me and tell me to go home. So, i stood hiding behind a bush (yeah i know i am pathetic), and watched my son go and take on the world of 5 year olds. He seemed to do just fine. Wow. He really is ready. I know that we will still face many of the worries that I have talked about. I know he will have some bad days. But, his strength and courage will get him over these hurdles.

When i went to pick him up, the best moment was when that door opened. Out came my boy, all smile and kisses and hugs. The teacher reported that he did really well. As we were heading over to the park to play for a bit, I heard the absolute very best thing I could have ever hoped for. A boy and his mother were close by and the boy said to his Mother..."Hey Mom...this is my friend Spencer". Music to my ears!! Of course Spencer then introduces his new friend to me and says...."Hey Mom...dis is my friend Hair". The boy very gently said.."No remember Spencer?....its Harrison". This made me smile. Gotta love kids.

So I survived..........and Spencer thrived. Probably a concept i better get familiar with.

The first day of the rest of his life...

***WARNING***

***If you are seeking a bright pick me up blog today....you might want to search elsewhere.***


Alone. Funny how as parents sometimes that is all we desire. Time alone. Space and hours to just sit, catch our breath, relax and enjoy the quiet. I have been one of those parents who from time to time has needed that space. Enjoying the peace, time to focus on me and just have a break from meeting all the needs of my two kids. There have been times when i have welcomed the silence. Don't get me wrong, i always miss my kids when they are away from me, but i admit there are those times that i have welcomed the rest. Today though, today is different. My baby is going off to school. The first day of the rest of his life.......

This is not the same as preschool. This is a much bigger and scarier world he is about to encounter. Sometimes, i wish i didn't work with kids. I KNOW all too well how kids can be. I know far too much about peer pressure, bullies, negative behavior and rejection. I often wish i didn't know as much as I do. Its incredibly difficult for me to always know what kind of long lasting damage kids can do to one another. The worst part though, is when you have a child who can't even fully express when someone has mistreated him. He can't always put words to his pain, sadness and hurt feelings. That is the part that eats at me. What if i don't know that someone has been mean to him? What if someone makes fun of him, bullies or hurts him and he can't find his words? I recognize and understand logically that all kids go through these things. I am aware that I can't always rescue him. But, when you can't even comfort your child because you have no idea what the issues are......that is heartache at its finest.

Letting go....a concept i am having to become very familiar with. I know its time to let him go. I know I need to empower him to learn to fight some of his battles for himself. He needs to find his way, and i remind myself that I can't control all aspects of the universe. Believe me, this is a reality I face more and more every day. Some days, I think i was given just a touch too much of the Mother Bear instinct. The bear in me wants to tear through the forest, attack any enemies that stand in the way of me and my baby bears. Not only attack them, but chain them to a tree, confine them to caves for all of eternity. Yeah this Mama Bear is a little twisted.

So i worry, wake up at 1am, 2am, then 330 am then 5am....and worry some more. Walking the floor. Funny, up wandering around at these ungodly hours, I am very familiar with all the creaks and sounds that come along with the silence of the night. Night time....its not all bad. The quiet at night has also been my friend from time to time. Its not always the time when i worry and fret, but has been there for me when i have needed to find clarity and come up with a game plan around proceeding with Spencer and finding the best ways to help him. Some of the best decisions I have made have been at 4am while pacing my front hall or sitting at my kitchen table over a cup of coffee. Tired?....yeah i am tired some days.

So, i guess i am blogging my negativity. Getting the fears, frustration and sadness out. Hoping that i can leave it here.....just for a while. I don't want to dread dropping him off at school today. I don't want to walk away from my sweet little boy with his big eyes and sweet smile. I want this to be an exciting time....a time filled with anticipation of amazing things to come. Today, i wish i wasn't coming home to an empty house. I don't want the break from my kids. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts and with my worry. Mostly though, I know this will pass. I know we will get into routine and life will get some level of calm once again. I know Spencer will be ok. I remind myself of his strength, sweetness and ability to persevere. These are his gifts, and they will get him through.

So on my little boy's first day........the first day of the rest of his life, I wish him absolute happiness, adventure and a whole heap load of 5 year old fun. I hope he encounters many friends and few foe. My dream is for him to learn new and exciting ideas and be supported by the adults around him. I hope he laughs till his tummy hurts and listens really well during circle time. I pray his hands will cooperate so he can handle his lunch bag, hold a crayon and unzip his back pack. I hope he will remember how to ask for help....and in turn will be heard and assisted. I hope he makes a friend. One that will accept him for who he is and hang in there even when they don't always understand him. Above all else though, I hope he always knows how much Mama loves him and is thinking about him always.

Good luck today my baby. May it be the very best day ever.

Hey Lady.....wanna give me a hand over here?

So i haven't posted in a while. Some days even trying to find the words can be a chore. Wrapping my mind around the whole school thing, as well as all of the other things that jump up in day to day life have a tendency to keep me hopping. Juggling act.....its alot harder than they make it look in the circus. So while i am still trying to prepare for Spencer heading into class full time as of next week, i still need to manage the day to day. Kennedy being less than thrilled to be in a 4/5 split, managing work, the house....(which by the way looks like a bomb landed in my living room), getting ready to get back into my volunteer work, dealing with my own emotions around so many things going on right now, and finally.......gearing up in case i need to go off to war again.

When i say war, i am referring to the people who are less than supportive...those that stand in the way of my son's ultimate success. He will not have an educational assistant this year....a huge source of stress for me. So i wait.....briefly...preparing myself for the possibility that i may need to find the strength to fight for this. We will see. The funny thing when you deal with professionals, you need to have a well thought out plan. Patience is your friend. You can not act impulsively, and every maneuver must come from a place of logic and not out of gut wrenching emotional reactions. I have found you get much furthur in the battle using these tactics. You need to be armed with knowledge, a certain wisdom and a confidance to stand up for what you believe in. My mind hurts just thinking about it. Thank god my profession has given me some of these gifts.

More reports have come in from various tests, speech therapists and programs he has been involved in. I watch "That" file folder get thicker by the month. "That" file folder....yes thats what i call it. "That" file folder that sits on my fridge reminding me that there is still much work to be done. So much information about such a small boy. Luckily, most of them have been written with a degree of fairness, kindness and sensitivity. Somedays as i sift through the paperwork, i want to take "That" file folder, open my front door and reach out to the nearest stranger walking by. I want to hand them "That" big heavy folder and just simply say "Hey lady, can you give me a hand over here?" I feel less than brave when i have these moments. I just want to ask someone to take all of the information, and come back to me when everything is sorted out, when all the fighting is over, and when Spencer's treatment plans are fully established and running like a well oiled machine. We'll get there....no question about that. Occasionally though, i would love to go back to a time ...a time when the toughest decision i had to make....was what to serve for dinner. When you have a child with special needs, it can be all consuming....the need to do the right thing, make the right choices for your child. To be their voice when they don't have one.

None of this comes without a cost. Sometimes even at a cost to myself. I dont want to think about sacrifices made. Its pointless and tiring. So while all of this is going on, it occurs to me that i need to occasionally put myself first. For the betterment of myself as a mother. I need to remember that i am only human and can't beat myself up for not having all of the answers all of the time. Believe me when i say- I really struggle with this. I need to take care of myself. I need rest....time to regroup and just "be". So over the next while, i intend to take some of that for myself. Not sure how, not sure when, because getting up at 4am to read a book isn't cutting it anymore. (smile)

So while i know i won't be asking random strangers to take over the battles of my life as they relate to my most special and beautiful boy, i do know i need some help from time to time. The great news is....I am aquiring this new skill. Letting people in....the chosen few who get it. They are the blessings in my life that i can lean on and we fight some of these battles together.

The locals know me there......

Finding my happy place.....i spend a whole lot of time there sometimes. I was joking with my good friend Elizabeth all about the very location not too long ago. Bora Bora.....the place my mind travels to when i just need a break. The sunshine, absolute peace and tranquility that seems to exist there. A place where life just seems simpler. I swear somedays i spend so much time there, that the locals know me. They bring me pineapple umbrella drinks while i sun myself with toes dipping into the cool crystal blue waters. Yeah i think i sound crazy...so much detail for a place i have never even seen. A place however, that i will visit one day...that is for certain.

I guess the destination has stuck with me since a friend had shown me pictures from their honeymoon. I like this place, and escape from time to time when i have a few moments of down time. The truth is though, i work to remind myself of all the "happy places" that already exist right here in my own life. So today, i need to stay out of Bora Bora and just focus on the great things.....and there are many.

Here are a few,

The people who have come along in my day and make me laugh and smile, provide support, and challenge me.....for those of you that just "get" me, i am grateful and hopefully you know who you are.

For my girls,.....Kerry, Katie, Elizabeth and Judy. All so different but bring so much to my life. Strong, spirited women who are bright and beautiful.

My family....forever thankful for them. They support me in ways that few people are ever lucky enough to experience. My Mom and Dad, have given me strength by the example they have set for me. I wish every child could be as lucky as i was to know the boundless love and respect they have given me over the years. They truly believe i can move mountains.....and that there is no obstacle that i can not overcome.

My children....and the bright future that lay ahead for them. They can and will accomplish great things.

My job.....working with hard to serve teens, reminds me that i am a good mother, teaches me life lessons every single day. I am thankful for my amazing coworkers, the fun we all have together and for being given the ability to impact the life of a child.

My sense of humour....thank God for that. I am still able to laugh....joke and be silly. I try not to take myself too seriously.

Balance....i work hard to keep some. Focusing on my kids, home life and work. I really work hard to try and maintain who i am as an individual. My interests, spending time with friends, reading are all things that are crucial to my well being. Things i manage to make time for.

For all the "Jackasses" of the world,....yes i am even thankful for you. You teach me how not to live my life, how to be a better and more therapeutic youth worker when dealing with children and to treat others with fairness and dignity. You teach me to think before i speak, and to be patient with others as you never know what hurdles lie in their life path. . So i suppose....even you have your place in my world.

The list could go on and on, but for today, i will appreciate these amazingly important things. Without them, i don't know where i would be. Probably packed up and on a plane to Bora Bora.....for some pineapple drinks and beach chairs. :)