The guilt trip.....its a wild ride.

I am officially tired. Mostly after a long week, working crazy hours to accommodate everybody else's schedule. It takes it out of me. I guess this is the classic "woe is me" blog. I don't have too many of them so i am going to indulge myself a little today. Working all these full time hours, over nights, afternoon shifts, as well as 12 hour shifts is manifesting itself by sending me into a walking coma. Needless to say, i am feeling a little spread thin. For most people this is a feat, but with all the speech, phone calls, work at home, sport ball and being a girl guide leader....it can become very trying on the nerves. Kind of like the nails down the chalk board. Grating, annoying and makes you want to run away. As you can see, I am as bitter as 2 day old coffee. But just for today.....i hope.

Guilt.....its a fantastically powerful, and all encompassing emotion. I used to always wonder what i did wrong for Spencer to have been dealt the hand he was. I wondered if it was because i forgot my prenatal vitamin that one day. I questioned if it was because i went on the antibiotics that one time. Wondered if i had just not been a good enough person and my son was being punished as a result. I thought about the time I banged my very pregnant belly into the table. I believed that I must not have talked to him enough when he was a new born. Questioned if the immunizations may have caused the issues or if it was that time when he had an ear infection and i didn't pick up on it quickly enough. Was it something i fed him? Did he consume something dangerous when i wasn't looking. How could I have missed it if i did? The list goes on and on. I really did believe i did something horribly wrong. I have learned though, that most "special" parents question these things. These feelings of responsibility are larger than life. You make it your mission to make up for whatever mistake it was that you made. Miraculously though, I also now know, that i didn't do anything wrong. I now am completely and utterly aware of the fact that i did something very right. I brought my beautiful boy into this world. No mistake was made...none whatsoever.

Guilt....it still surfaces though despite my best efforts to keep it at bay. It pulls at the very nerve centre of my being some days. Being pulled one way or another. Feeling bad for not measuring up or meeting the needs of others is gut wrenching. I constantly wonder if i am making the right decisions. Am i doing the right things? I almost wish i was being evaluated and graded like back in school. Then i would have concrete evidence of what is working and where i need to improve. Someone to offer the praise as well as constructive feedback. But like with raising kids, life doesn't come with an instruction manual. Some days it just feels like i am swimming against the current. While i was always a fantastic swimmer, even the strong get tired of fighting the waves.

It just seems like we finally get into a groove and then something else rears its ugly head, and forces me to get into problem solving mode. I don't want to plan and fix everything some days. Occasionally I want to tell the world to piss off. I know it sounds selfish, and i know my day will come where i can focus on me. All of my hopes and dreams and things i want for MY life. Then the guilt comes knocking and making me feel like a big bag of garden dung for thinking about myself. That damn balancing act.....its a tough one. I'm working on it, and will continue to paddle my way up stream. Hopefully i will continue to build momentum, and just keep getting stronger. In the mean time, i will afford myself the occasional day of gloom, and will enjoy my one woman pity party. Tomorrow though, it will be a new day. One with lots of promise for good things to come. I'm looking forward to it. Optimism.....it really is the very best medicine around.

Coincidence? I just don't think so.

When i step outside myself and look at the history that is my life, i often wonder how i got here. Was this the destiny that i was meant to have? All I can come up with is that i was meant to mother the two amazing kids that i have and I was most certainly supposed to meet my boy Spencer. He was the one that was destined to be mine. I think back to when i was younger and knew that i wanted to work with children. This choice came at a relatively young age, and i stuck by it, never wavering from my goals. I think back to my first placement in high school, and it makes me smile. I had actually forgotten about this experience, until very recently.

I had been assigned to a classroom out of Chedoke Hospital. What kind of class is run out of a hospital you ask? A class for communicationally delayed children. I worked with 15 kids who were just like my Spencer. Coincidental, that my first encounter with speech delays occurred for me at the tender age of 15? I remember not fully understanding it. I recall wondering why it was so hard for these kids to get the words out. I remember learning sign language, and singing along to the "put the toys away" song. I fondly recount the experiences, the professionals who loved these children whole heartedly. Coincidence? I don't think so.

When i graduated out of college, an got my first full time job, i was assigned as the case worker for a deaf girl. A very angry, aggressive and challenging deaf girl. Yet again i was faced with helping another child learn to communicate. These experiences, tested my will, challenged my staying power as i developed my skills in working with the children with no words. I remember sitting with this same girl outside her jail cell, after she had been charged with 4 counts of assault against staff members. (I being one of them). The police were going to take her into custody without an interpreter. Despite everything, i could not allow them to take this angry enraged girl to prison, without having some means of communication. Naturally, the police were stunned that a victim would want to assist a perpetrator, but someone had to help this girl get through the night. So...while she wanted to kill me, and charged at me from inside the cell, i remember sitting there and signing with her to try and reach her. Of course most of her signs were "fuck off rooster". Yeah...it was her pet name for me. I might add, she is one in a long line of teens that have told me to Fuck Off. But regardless, eventually she calmed and we made some headway. So, i ask you....i ask myself....coincidence? I don't think so.

I have met many many more kids, that struggle to communicate over the years. Working in emergency receiving assessment allows you to meet all walks of life. Some kids have been challenged with the special needs that prevent them from finding their speech. Some children are so broken and hurt inside that they just can't bring themselves to take the risk necessary to open up and communicate. They have been raised to believe that they weren't allowed to have an opinion, thought or emotion, and if they did have one, they sure as heck better not voice it. The consequence may have been to great. So we work on opening up, expressing themselves, and finding the words within to let other's know how they feel. Coincidence? I don't think so.

My life path.....its been about communication. Talking, expressing and articulating the words. I know Spence was meant to be mine. I never really realized it until recently. The lessons learned along my road have brought me to the place where i could help my own child. As a result, I have learned so much about my own growth, my own capabilities and gifts i have to offer as a Mother, friend, worker and human being.

I am thankful for my destiny. I am forever grateful for the 15 year old girl who nervously entered that classroom, and fell in love with every one of those kids who couldn't speak. I am glad i followed my heart, and accepted the signs when life experiences were being offered to me. Mostly, i am really glad i didn't become a Garbage Lady. I hear the money and benefits are great. But dang......look at what i would have missed out on.

The Fascination with Bum Cracks.

Yeah, you read it right. Spencer loves those words. Bum cracks this, bum cracks that. Its all he can talk about, and then proceeds to fall to the floor laughing till he has tears. While this is fantastic to watch, I have heard enough about the bum crack to last me a life time. I am not certain where the interest came from, but for god sake, enough already! He wonders about little bum cracks and big bum cracks, why bum cracks are on a person's back and so on and so forth. Remember the whole perseverating post? Well, we are no longer stuck on block buster. Yep, its all about the ass crack these days.

Yesterday, he stepped out his comfort zone and started talking about boobs. I cringe, as he works through his skills for reasoning by asking about big boobs and little boobs. The entire time, all i can think about, is my prayer that he doesn't ask his teacher about her boobs or her bum crack. Yikes, I am nauseous just thinking about it. Wondrous thing is, he has mastered telling everyone that their behavior is inappropriate. I guess when you hear "that's not appropriate to talk about" consistently, you add it to your repertoire of words to save and use for later. We will need to work on this for the next while i am sure. Oh how i long for the days of the pleas for Blockbuster. Instead, i now have to face my little boy who runs naked into my room, proceeds to turn around and say "Wook at me, shakin da bum cwack". This all occurs as he does some crazy dance and waves his arms wildly. Did i mention that i feel nauseous? :)
I guess i should probably focus on the fact, that he is developing a sense of humour. He wants to laugh and make people giggle right along with him. That's a bonus for sure, but man can't we talk about clowns or falling down or even farting? Until we get this under control, I hold my breath. Waiting for him to blurt out those words.

Amazing, the worries I have carried for the last few years. Will my son ever talk? Will he ever carry on a conversation? Will his words ever come together enough that he can develop some friendships? I used to be so sad travelling in the car as there was always complete silence from the back seat. I used to talk for hours to Spencer with very little response. I hoped that if i kept talking, one day he would surprise me and we could talk about all the things he loved in life.
NOW...........I am horrified and ashamed to say that i sometimes wish he would just stifle himself!!! Only when he has boobie and butt crack days. I never ever thought i would think things like "God Spence, enough already, can't you be quiet for 5 minutes?" I get over it real quick though, when i realize that he comes by it naturally. His Mother never shuts up, so why should he?

With that being said, I suppose i should celebrate. So...... here's to all the Bum Cracks and Boobies of the world, and all the other conversations I never thought I would be blessed enough to have with my most special and comedic boy. That alone is something worth celebrating.

Destination Coolsville....

So the funniest thing happened. Well, my daughter doesn't think so, but i on the other hand, am over the moon. She has decided that her younger brother is cramping her style. She came home yesterday and informed me that she doesn't like her little brother attending the same school as her. Based on all my other posts about this relationship, i am sure you are all stunned with disbelief. :) Anyway, when i asked her why she didn't like his presence at her school, she responded by saying "Mom you should see him at school....he acts all cool with his friends." Helllooooooo????? Come again??? My little baby is trying to act cool? The same boy who 2.5 years ago, was only content flipping the pages of a phone book and was often in a world of his own. From lining up blocks to waving things in front of his face over and over, suddenly she tells me that he is acting "cool"? How can this be?

She goes on to tell me that she sees him around the school and has the giggles and acts silly, then he and his 2 buddies make faces at her and run away. Can i just mention here, that internally, i was about to double over in hysterics? Of course i do my best empathy routine and give her a hug, but come on folks...this is a Mom's dream. I ask her if he is doing this on his own, or if its something that seems strange? She said "they all seem strange MOM.......Spencer fits right in"!!!!!!!!!! Out of the mouths of babes. He's making connections.

Now i might add here, that the one boy he is friends with seems to have quite a case of ADHD, so he never stops chatting. He's wired for speed and allows Spencer along for the ride. The amazingly beautiful thing about it, is that they compliment each other. Spencer calms this boy and this boy encourages Spencer to open up. He is the perfect match for Spencer. The teacher says they just seem to "fit". I love this boy, because he loves my son. He gets so excited when he sees my Spencer, talking a mile a minute and barely coming up for air. How can i not adore a child who sees all the great things i see in my son? They are two peas in a pod. So together, they are ruling the school? I am currently giggling as i picture it. Ok maybe not ruling the school, but enough of a pain that they have my daughter wincing. She's the one who is usually the most popular, highest achieving and is VERY well known by teachers and students alike. This is a good thing....a very good thing.

I never thought i would ever hear anyone say that my son was acting cool. A few years ago, i would have been thrilled if he could just say the word "cool". He can be silly. He can get into mischief. He wants to belong. Wow......he has always been the coolest boy i know. Now the rest of the world is beginning to see it too. Lucky them. :)