Hey Lady.....wanna give me a hand over here?

So i haven't posted in a while. Some days even trying to find the words can be a chore. Wrapping my mind around the whole school thing, as well as all of the other things that jump up in day to day life have a tendency to keep me hopping. Juggling act.....its alot harder than they make it look in the circus. So while i am still trying to prepare for Spencer heading into class full time as of next week, i still need to manage the day to day. Kennedy being less than thrilled to be in a 4/5 split, managing work, the house....(which by the way looks like a bomb landed in my living room), getting ready to get back into my volunteer work, dealing with my own emotions around so many things going on right now, and finally.......gearing up in case i need to go off to war again.

When i say war, i am referring to the people who are less than supportive...those that stand in the way of my son's ultimate success. He will not have an educational assistant this year....a huge source of stress for me. So i wait.....briefly...preparing myself for the possibility that i may need to find the strength to fight for this. We will see. The funny thing when you deal with professionals, you need to have a well thought out plan. Patience is your friend. You can not act impulsively, and every maneuver must come from a place of logic and not out of gut wrenching emotional reactions. I have found you get much furthur in the battle using these tactics. You need to be armed with knowledge, a certain wisdom and a confidance to stand up for what you believe in. My mind hurts just thinking about it. Thank god my profession has given me some of these gifts.

More reports have come in from various tests, speech therapists and programs he has been involved in. I watch "That" file folder get thicker by the month. "That" file folder....yes thats what i call it. "That" file folder that sits on my fridge reminding me that there is still much work to be done. So much information about such a small boy. Luckily, most of them have been written with a degree of fairness, kindness and sensitivity. Somedays as i sift through the paperwork, i want to take "That" file folder, open my front door and reach out to the nearest stranger walking by. I want to hand them "That" big heavy folder and just simply say "Hey lady, can you give me a hand over here?" I feel less than brave when i have these moments. I just want to ask someone to take all of the information, and come back to me when everything is sorted out, when all the fighting is over, and when Spencer's treatment plans are fully established and running like a well oiled machine. We'll get there....no question about that. Occasionally though, i would love to go back to a time ...a time when the toughest decision i had to make....was what to serve for dinner. When you have a child with special needs, it can be all consuming....the need to do the right thing, make the right choices for your child. To be their voice when they don't have one.

None of this comes without a cost. Sometimes even at a cost to myself. I dont want to think about sacrifices made. Its pointless and tiring. So while all of this is going on, it occurs to me that i need to occasionally put myself first. For the betterment of myself as a mother. I need to remember that i am only human and can't beat myself up for not having all of the answers all of the time. Believe me when i say- I really struggle with this. I need to take care of myself. I need rest....time to regroup and just "be". So over the next while, i intend to take some of that for myself. Not sure how, not sure when, because getting up at 4am to read a book isn't cutting it anymore. (smile)

So while i know i won't be asking random strangers to take over the battles of my life as they relate to my most special and beautiful boy, i do know i need some help from time to time. The great news is....I am aquiring this new skill. Letting people in....the chosen few who get it. They are the blessings in my life that i can lean on and we fight some of these battles together.