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***WARNING***
***If you are seeking a bright pick me up blog today....you might want to search elsewhere.***
Alone. Funny how as parents sometimes that is all we desire. Time alone. Space and hours to just sit, catch our breath, relax and enjoy the quiet. I have been one of those parents who from time to time has needed that space. Enjoying the peace, time to focus on me and just have a break from meeting all the needs of my two kids. There have been times when i have welcomed the silence. Don't get me wrong, i always miss my kids when they are away from me, but i admit there are those times that i have welcomed the rest. Today though, today is different. My baby is going off to school. The first day of the rest of his life.......
This is not the same as preschool. This is a much bigger and scarier world he is about to encounter. Sometimes, i wish i didn't work with kids. I KNOW all too well how kids can be. I know far too much about peer pressure, bullies, negative behavior and rejection. I often wish i didn't know as much as I do. Its incredibly difficult for me to always know what kind of long lasting damage kids can do to one another. The worst part though, is when you have a child who can't even fully express when someone has mistreated him. He can't always put words to his pain, sadness and hurt feelings. That is the part that eats at me. What if i don't know that someone has been mean to him? What if someone makes fun of him, bullies or hurts him and he can't find his words? I recognize and understand logically that all kids go through these things. I am aware that I can't always rescue him. But, when you can't even comfort your child because you have no idea what the issues are......that is heartache at its finest.
Letting go....a concept i am having to become very familiar with. I know its time to let him go. I know I need to empower him to learn to fight some of his battles for himself. He needs to find his way, and i remind myself that I can't control all aspects of the universe. Believe me, this is a reality I face more and more every day. Some days, I think i was given just a touch too much of the Mother Bear instinct. The bear in me wants to tear through the forest, attack any enemies that stand in the way of me and my baby bears. Not only attack them, but chain them to a tree, confine them to caves for all of eternity. Yeah this Mama Bear is a little twisted.
So i worry, wake up at 1am, 2am, then 330 am then 5am....and worry some more. Walking the floor. Funny, up wandering around at these ungodly hours, I am very familiar with all the creaks and sounds that come along with the silence of the night. Night time....its not all bad. The quiet at night has also been my friend from time to time. Its not always the time when i worry and fret, but has been there for me when i have needed to find clarity and come up with a game plan around proceeding with Spencer and finding the best ways to help him. Some of the best decisions I have made have been at 4am while pacing my front hall or sitting at my kitchen table over a cup of coffee. Tired?....yeah i am tired some days.
So, i guess i am blogging my negativity. Getting the fears, frustration and sadness out. Hoping that i can leave it here.....just for a while. I don't want to dread dropping him off at school today. I don't want to walk away from my sweet little boy with his big eyes and sweet smile. I want this to be an exciting time....a time filled with anticipation of amazing things to come. Today, i wish i wasn't coming home to an empty house. I don't want the break from my kids. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts and with my worry. Mostly though, I know this will pass. I know we will get into routine and life will get some level of calm once again. I know Spencer will be ok. I remind myself of his strength, sweetness and ability to persevere. These are his gifts, and they will get him through.
So on my little boy's first day........the first day of the rest of his life, I wish him absolute happiness, adventure and a whole heap load of 5 year old fun. I hope he encounters many friends and few foe. My dream is for him to learn new and exciting ideas and be supported by the adults around him. I hope he laughs till his tummy hurts and listens really well during circle time. I pray his hands will cooperate so he can handle his lunch bag, hold a crayon and unzip his back pack. I hope he will remember how to ask for help....and in turn will be heard and assisted. I hope he makes a friend. One that will accept him for who he is and hang in there even when they don't always understand him. Above all else though, I hope he always knows how much Mama loves him and is thinking about him always.
Good luck today my baby. May it be the very best day ever.
***If you are seeking a bright pick me up blog today....you might want to search elsewhere.***
Alone. Funny how as parents sometimes that is all we desire. Time alone. Space and hours to just sit, catch our breath, relax and enjoy the quiet. I have been one of those parents who from time to time has needed that space. Enjoying the peace, time to focus on me and just have a break from meeting all the needs of my two kids. There have been times when i have welcomed the silence. Don't get me wrong, i always miss my kids when they are away from me, but i admit there are those times that i have welcomed the rest. Today though, today is different. My baby is going off to school. The first day of the rest of his life.......
This is not the same as preschool. This is a much bigger and scarier world he is about to encounter. Sometimes, i wish i didn't work with kids. I KNOW all too well how kids can be. I know far too much about peer pressure, bullies, negative behavior and rejection. I often wish i didn't know as much as I do. Its incredibly difficult for me to always know what kind of long lasting damage kids can do to one another. The worst part though, is when you have a child who can't even fully express when someone has mistreated him. He can't always put words to his pain, sadness and hurt feelings. That is the part that eats at me. What if i don't know that someone has been mean to him? What if someone makes fun of him, bullies or hurts him and he can't find his words? I recognize and understand logically that all kids go through these things. I am aware that I can't always rescue him. But, when you can't even comfort your child because you have no idea what the issues are......that is heartache at its finest.
Letting go....a concept i am having to become very familiar with. I know its time to let him go. I know I need to empower him to learn to fight some of his battles for himself. He needs to find his way, and i remind myself that I can't control all aspects of the universe. Believe me, this is a reality I face more and more every day. Some days, I think i was given just a touch too much of the Mother Bear instinct. The bear in me wants to tear through the forest, attack any enemies that stand in the way of me and my baby bears. Not only attack them, but chain them to a tree, confine them to caves for all of eternity. Yeah this Mama Bear is a little twisted.
So i worry, wake up at 1am, 2am, then 330 am then 5am....and worry some more. Walking the floor. Funny, up wandering around at these ungodly hours, I am very familiar with all the creaks and sounds that come along with the silence of the night. Night time....its not all bad. The quiet at night has also been my friend from time to time. Its not always the time when i worry and fret, but has been there for me when i have needed to find clarity and come up with a game plan around proceeding with Spencer and finding the best ways to help him. Some of the best decisions I have made have been at 4am while pacing my front hall or sitting at my kitchen table over a cup of coffee. Tired?....yeah i am tired some days.
So, i guess i am blogging my negativity. Getting the fears, frustration and sadness out. Hoping that i can leave it here.....just for a while. I don't want to dread dropping him off at school today. I don't want to walk away from my sweet little boy with his big eyes and sweet smile. I want this to be an exciting time....a time filled with anticipation of amazing things to come. Today, i wish i wasn't coming home to an empty house. I don't want the break from my kids. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts and with my worry. Mostly though, I know this will pass. I know we will get into routine and life will get some level of calm once again. I know Spencer will be ok. I remind myself of his strength, sweetness and ability to persevere. These are his gifts, and they will get him through.
So on my little boy's first day........the first day of the rest of his life, I wish him absolute happiness, adventure and a whole heap load of 5 year old fun. I hope he encounters many friends and few foe. My dream is for him to learn new and exciting ideas and be supported by the adults around him. I hope he laughs till his tummy hurts and listens really well during circle time. I pray his hands will cooperate so he can handle his lunch bag, hold a crayon and unzip his back pack. I hope he will remember how to ask for help....and in turn will be heard and assisted. I hope he makes a friend. One that will accept him for who he is and hang in there even when they don't always understand him. Above all else though, I hope he always knows how much Mama loves him and is thinking about him always.
Good luck today my baby. May it be the very best day ever.
