Shoes.....who knew they could be so interesting?

When all of these issues began to surface, and we began the daunting task of seeing one professional after another, I began to realize how uncomfortable people truly are in discussing the whole topic of "special needs". People in my life, as well as many of the doctors and therapists suddenly had difficulty making eye contact with me, avoiding my questions and never really being able to give me a straight answer to my sometimes very direct questions. I quickly realized two things. One being that people don't want to give you a direct answer or opinion, in the event that they may be wrong and don't want to be liable for offering an opinion without all the concrete test results. (Blah blah blah). As a professional in the child welfare field, i get that. Secondly, and most importantly, they don't want to be that one person who is responsible for breaking your heart. They don't want to be the one who made you face up to the fact that your life is about to become very different than the one you had mapped out for yourself.
So, this is where the shoes come in. So many people, so many shoes. I began to notice how often people look down at their shoes when they aren't comfortable helping you find your truth. They shift back and forth, looking down at those oh so interesting shoes. Who knew that shoes could be sooo interesting? Strange, that i was never in a position to notice before.

As we have progressed down this road, and as Spencer is continually assessed for being on the Autism Spectrum, i have learned to accept this about people. Sometimes it is absolutely necessary to pick and choose the battles that you will allow yourself to be hurt and angered by. This just wasn't the one for me. I was wasting an incredible amount of energy wondering why no one would tell me what they really thought. Why were so many people acting like the word "Autism" was something horrible? As a parent, we all know when something is not right. When we follow our gut instincts, we are seldom wrong about the issues our children face. This too is something i have had to learn. To trust in myself as Spencer's Mom. To not be swayed by all the people who would come along and offer hope, then take it away just as quickly. I know Spencer is on the Spectrum....his diagnosis will come. I have accepted that. I embrace who he is every single day. I grieved that his future may be different than what i had hoped for. I quickly realized though, that i was being selfish by even having pre-plotted plans about how I believed his life should unfold. The bottom line is...."he is who he is". Five simple words....words i rely on every day. They get me through some really tough times. He will shift and grow in his own time, he will be stubborn and difficult and make tremendous growth. He will find his strengths, and he will flourish and I will support him as he takes on the world. His special needs will not prevent him from having some control over his own destiny....i will make sure of that.
For all the people in my life who have been straight with me, i am so thankful for them. I asked and they would answer. They treated me with respect and never acted as though my son's issues were a reason to pity us. There have been many who were happy to answer my questions, and deal with me head on. I am grateful for these people for their honesty, for their kindness but most importantly.........for not looking at their shoes.