Back to school shopping.......and the heartache that comes along with it.

I know i tend to over analyze. I also know that by nature, i have a tendency to examine things at every angle. For me, its my way of leaving no stone left unturned. "Expect the unexpected?"....I think not. Not a motto that is well suited to my personality or the way i choose to live my life.
I go through all the possibilities, the outcomes both positive and negative when dealing with change. These days, i tend to be completely consumed with being emotionally prepared for my son and this new adventure he is about to embark on.

School........such an exciting time or at least its supposed to be. I remember as a child going back to school shopping with my mom. Vivid, fond memories of all the new experiences to come. As an adult, i have enjoyed the yearly back to school shopping with my daughter. Time together to talk about the exciting months to come....who might be her teacher, who might be in her class as well as having the time to talk about her hopes and dreams for the upcoming year. While i have managed to accomplish this once again with her this year, when it comes to Spencer and his first year in public school.......I literally feel sick. So, with much trepidation, i finally bit the bullet and did the deed. Back to school shopping.....without my boy.
Shopping- an outing that can be draining and stressful for Spencer- so i have done it over the last few evenings on my own. Its dreadfully painful to think that i am sending him off to a new circumstance, another life change that i know he has no full understanding of. He doesn't fully understand that in a few days, his world is about to shift once again. I am not able to help him comprehend that he is not returning to the safe preschool that he loved so much with all the additional supports that he has become so accustomed to. How can i protect him from the sometimes scary reality he is about to face.....more kids, more expectations, less individualized attention and full days without the Mom that has struggled to protect him from all the "mean" people of the world. Unfortunately, my son has to learn through experience in order to fully grasp alot of concepts. Reassuring, comforting and verbally preparing him don't often work with a child who struggles to understand language. Dramatic?....absolutely....i am dramatic. But, speaking our truth nonetheless.

So, as i have shopped for Spencer on my last few trips to all the stores, busy with happy kids and families picking out the latest styles, i am watching and wishing.....yeah i still wish. Unavoidable. I wish this year was different. I wish Spencer knew what to expect, would be guaranteed to have the same fair shake as all the other boys and girls. While standing in those stores looking for clothes for him, i feel the ache in my heart....the heaviness that always comes before change. I found myself picking out clothes for him, holding up a shirt and asking myself so many questions. Like..... "Will he be wearing this when he makes his first friend?", "Will he have these pants on the first time he gets made fun of?", "Will he have these sweat pants on when he is asked to do something, and has no idea what the teacher is saying?"....and finally "Will he have these shoes on when he feels the need to run away because he is afraid or embarrassed?" How absolutely ridiculous to be standing in the boy's section, feeling my eyes welling up. That damn lump in my throat that makes it almost impossible to swallow. Then magically, i found a shirt that said-"Probably the coolest kid you will ever meet". Sometimes messages comes in the strangest ways. Regardless though, I am thankful when they do come. Needless to say....Spencer is now the proud owner of that shirt.

Heavy duty stuff i know. Spencer's Mom can be quite a trip. Sometimes i think i need a vacation from my brain. There is an intensity there, that few people know about. While i know that this is one of the great things that makes me who i am, i am also aware of how tiring it can be. Absolutely exhausting at times. I carry my worries on the inside, and have a tendency to come up for air once i have worked things through. My next goal......to share the worry.

Those that read this will likely hear me writing about Spencer and his school experience over the next few weeks. Spencer will be ok, he is a fighter, and will adjust with time. What is not working well, will be rectified and i shall see to that. He will be treated with patience and kindness. We will get through this change.......and maybe next year.....just maybe, i will be able smile just like all those other families in the stores. Maybe then back to school shopping will just be about creating warm happy memories. Until then....i will keep wishing.